COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo., April 1, 2014 – The Federal government announced today that beginning April 1st, all Americans will be covered by Internet-based cell phone coverage. Calling it the new civil rights issue of our time, the president announced the policy in the Rose Garden this morning.
“If you like your cell phone, you can keep it,” he said. “If you like your plan you can keep it.”
Joe Biden said that the plan will strengthen the middle class:
“The rich already have smart phones. We’ve already given Obamaphones to the poor. The middle class are hurting. Forty-seven million people are smart phone-less. It is our moral obligation to provide phones to them.”
The administration has moved at the speed of light to roll out the program. Learning from their failure with the Obamacare website rollout, instead of outsourcing the work to a Canadian firm, they gave it to a company in Venezuela.
“Our comrades in Venezuela are hurting,” said Tom Wheeler, head of the former FCC. “Compassion demands that we help them out.”
The Federal Communications Commission has been re-styled the Ministry of Truth and has been given the additional responsibility of managing the new program.
Enrollment in the new plan is mandatory. The IRS will administer fines for non-compliance. Department of Education SWAT teams will conduct no-knock raids on homes using non-approved phones. They will be authorized by one generic warrant issued by the FISA Court. NSA will continue to monitor all phone traffic.
The changes have been made without consulting Congress:
“I have a pen and a phone,” noted the president, “and it’s a new smart phone, the first one issued under the new program.”
Things have been moving quite rapidly.
Already, policies are being cancelled across the country. Said one disgruntled user:
“I was told that if I liked my unlimited calling plan I could keep it, but ultimately my plan was cancelled and my unused minutes were redistributed to those who were given free minutes as part of the new government phone plan.”
A new group has sprung up overnight called Occupy Cell Towers to protest the use of unlimited plans by the 1%. They have been climbing cell towers wearing tin foil hats to protect themselves from the mind-control radio waves emanating from them. Van Jones, head of the movement, clarified that the tin foil hats weren’t really necessary.
“We tried to find people who didn’t have enough brain cells to be adversely affected,” he said. “The important thing is to keep people safe.”
“It’s for the children,” he added.
Existing plan holders are finding that not only have the plans changed, but the devices have changed as well. Users are being issued “death panel” phones, where all phone calls must be pre-approved and can only be made using a limited subset of cell towers, most of which are located in Texas.
Needless to say, the plan is causing extensive confusion in the telecommunications market. The House of Representatives is scheduled to vote to repeal the plan on April 2nd, but Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has vowed to block repeal, saying:
“The American people demand this plan; it will be repealed over my dead cell phone.”
An appeal is on the way to the Supreme Court. Chief Justice Roberts has said privately:
“What’s the problem? It’s just a tax.”
Stay tuned for further developments. A government-sponsored text will be delivered to your phone.
(Happy April Fools Day – Only who are the Fools?)
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