LOS ANGELES, April 1, 2015 — In the most important address to the nation he has ever given, President Obama is expected to announce to Americans that he is not God almighty, the holy one, blessed be he.
The president will appear humble in delivering his brief remarks. He will be contrite and admit mistakes he has made. He will declare that he is only human and a flawed human at that.
He will respectfully ask that Chris Matthews and the rest of MSNBC stop elevating him to deity status and start treating political opponents with dignity and respect.
In further April Fool’s Day news, Secretary of State John Kerry will negotiate a tough deal with Iran that will have real enforcement mechanisms. The mullahs in Iran will decide to obey the deal because cheating is wrong. Rather than wipe Israel off the map, Iran’s leaders will not vow to take tissues and wipe away the Jewish tears caused by insensitive Islamist remarks in favor of genocide.
Hillary Clinton will voluntarily turn over any and all documents she created and received since entering public life in the 1970s. She will meet with Rep. Tre Gowdy voluntarily and tell the entire truth about her life.
Environmentalists will admit that their entire life’s work is just a scam to rake in more money at taxpayer expense in a quest for government control over our lives. Climate change activists will apologize for being control freaks and vow to leave people alone to live their lives in peace.
Islamists will stop murdering Jews and Christians. Leftists will stop making excuses for the Islamists. College professors will resign their jobs en masse and pursue positions in the private sector. They will contribute positively to society from now on.
Golfers, soccer players and baseball players will admit to playing boring sports because they are not tough enough for football.
Grunge rock bands starting with Pearl Jam will admit that they knew their music sucked. They will confess to playing on the fears and desperation of young people to enrich their own pockets.
Stoners will admit that they look, sound and act like idiots after getting stoned. They will vow to quit drugs and enter adulthood.
Minorities will admit that sometimes they complain just because they know the sympathy will benefit them financially.
Vice President Joe Biden will turn over his day planner, revealing a busy schedule with real responsibilities that matter.
For those panicking over this better society, April 2 will be with us soon enough. President Obama will resume his God complex and his sycophants will give him as many amens as he desires.