COLORADO SPRINGS, April 1, 2016 — After 24 hours of gaffs and backtracking, Donald Trump today ended his presidential campaign today in a rambling and somewhat coherent stream of consciousness speech.
Since he was suspending his campaign, Trump turned to campaign manager Corey Lewandowski and said, “You’re fired!”
Trump pledged to continue the fight he started when he decided to run for president.
“We’re gonna build that wall!” he said to the cheers of those attending the announcement. “I’m gonna make a deal with whoever becomes the president and we’re gonna build a wall like you’ve never seen before. Hey, the Romans did it, the Chinese did it—and look how successful they were. Even the French built a wall. How hard can it be?”
Meanwhile, U.S. Attorney General Loretta Lynch announced that Hillary Clinton would be indicted for mishandling government classified information. This immediately raised Clinton’s favorability rating among registered Democrats by 20%.
Sanders fumed, “It’s not fair. Hillary is in the 1% and she gets special treatment! If she gets indicted, we [presidential hopefuls] should all be indicted!”
College student cheered; some even fainted.
In other news, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell introduced a Constitutional amendment to limit the age of presidential candidates to under 70. “This of course would not apply to senators,” McConnell, 74, quickly added.
Sen. Thad Cochran (R-MS), 78, agreed. “Age and senility should not be a barrier to the senate,” he said, referring to his own 2014 senate campaign. The ACLU quickly agreed.
“Where would Democrats be without the Alzheimer’s vote?” a spokesperson asked.
If ratified, this would have the 2016 effect of knocking Sanders, Trump and Clinton out of the race, leaving only Cruz and Kasich.
When asked, Sen. Cruz replied, “Yo hablo español, dude.”
Gov. Kasich beamed. “The people of Ohio love me!” he said.
Obama’s little dog laughed to see such fun, and the dish ran away with the spoon.
It is April 1st after all.