A satirical and sadly accurate look at Constitution Day

What is this 'Constitution' we are celebrating?

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What is this 'Constitution' of which you speak?

WASHINGTON, Sept. 17, 2015 – Capitol Hill, as well as state capitols around the country, are seeing a flurry of activity this morning. Congressional staffers, White House aides and various political errand runners have been seen running around the city in a burst of excitement and motion. At first, many thought that the day’s commotion was the result of some major political power move, or perhaps a prelude to war. But as CDN found out, that is not the case.

Stopping a staffer on North Capitol Street in NW DC, CDN asked the pressing question.

“Can you tell me why everyone seems to be running around today?”

“Well, yeah, it’s Constitution Day.” The staffer said with exasperation.


“Constitution Day?” We replied.

“That’s what we said, we have no idea what it means. Everyone is running all over town trying to find out what it means!”

After running off towards the Gonzaga High School Library to hopefully find someone in D.C. who knew what Constitution Day was about, suddenly concerned, we did some more digging.

After a few hours of calling, a representative from Dianne Feinstein’s office returned our call. Under conditions of anonymity he told us what all the fuss was about.


Ignore the Constitution at our peril


CDN: So, can you tell us what all the fuss is about?

Staffer: Oh yeah, everyone is freaking out over here. Apparently today celebrates this piece of paper called the Constitution. None of us in Feinstein’s office ever heard of it.

CDN: You guys don’t know what the Constitution is?

Staffer: What and you do? You must have gone to a great school, I never even heard of it and I have worked in government all my life.

CDN: How is it that you have never heard of the Constitution?

Staffer: I mean, it can’t be that important if no one in Washington has ever heard of it right? I got a call from a friend in Gov. Christie’s office telling me that they had never even heard the word before.

After an exhaustive effort to try to get a hold of someone at the White House, we received an email from a staffer who attempted to clear the entire thing up.

“From our research, the Constitution is a sort of non-binding guideline that presidents can use or not use when they need to justify their actions to a nation who, let’s be honest, isn’t paying attention anyway.”

Our curiosity over Washington’s seemingly inexplicable amnesia over our nation’s supreme document led us to put a call in to the Supreme Court, hoping and praying that they would be able to at least tell us a little bit about the Constitution. However, we received an email from a SCOTUS clerk informing us that the Supreme Court building had been purchased, and would soon turn into a Shake Shak.


 

Happy Birthday: Benjamin Franklin and the Constitution


In an attempt to get answers from Republican Party leadership, CDN asked House Majority Leader John Boehner’s office if he was up to date on his constitutional knowledge. A staffer responded, “The speaker supports long, reflective walks, and has supported them longer than the Democrats.”

Alas, as the day draws to a close, we could not find one government employee who could tell us anything about the Constitution.  In a last-ditch effort to get some clarification we reached out to the National Archives to discuss the Constitution with a professor or scholar, really anyone who could shed some light on this situation to us, we were told in a text message that the Constitution was currently being used by DHS Director Jeh Johnson as a coaster on his coffee table.

 

 

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Conor Higgins
Conor Higgins has a BA from Catholic University in DC and an MA form George Mason University in Fairfax, VA, both in history. When he not getting his hands dirty in 2nd Amendment and firearms news he is doing his best to take a crack at some drive-by political analysis. And every now and then he may or may not review a low end bourbon for the tax write off. Sit back, relax, and enjoy Back Porch Politics.