LOS ANGELES, June 21, 2011 — Today is June 21st, the first day of Summer. The season is now officially in session.
As the weather gets hotter, it is time for the annual Tygrrrr Express “Summer Kickoff official list of the Top 30 Hottest Political Women.”
To bring dignity to the process of identifying the Top 30 Hottest Political Women, the politically correct sanitizing of this column is meant to create the illusion that there is hope for the male gender, i.e. me, whose attention, and eyes, are not always drawn to the intelligence of these lovely women.
For those feigning disgust, for those who claim that what they really care about are the issues, for those pretending to be high brow, know this: Blog traffic does not lie. I know what you people in Internet land really care about.
Coincidentally, people who live according to the strictures of political correctness never seem to make this list. I am not sure, but perhaps the intelligence of these women tips me in their favor; It is not just their feminine charms that I admire.
For the sake of fairness, the list includes ten women on the left, ten on the right, and ten straight up that bodacious middle.
Yes, I know, some readers will take offense. Some liberal women will find the list sexist for the simple fact that it “ranks” women (as if women never rank men).
Including liberals on this list could be considered the sexual version of affirmative action. On the other hand, Conservative women are usually flattered to be so appreciated, since they are secure enough with themselves to know that women who have brains are often great beauties, made that much more enticing by their ability to hold a conversation.
Those in the center are, well, divided.
Now the hottest 30 political women of 2011 are upon us.
To prove that inclusion on this list requires brains as well as beauty, the dopiest political celebrities who make imbecilic comments are not on the list. Having a political opinion does not make one political, nor does playing somebody political on a television show or in a movie suffice. The people on this list engage in politics for real.
And so with no further ado, in the spirit of homage, with no disrespect, here are the “Top 30 Hottest Political Women of 2011.”
10.) Maria Cantwell/Barbara Boxer
These women may be dragging the Senate over the left cliff of sanity, but both are reasonably attractive. I am sure every conserative man fantasizes about what Barbara Boxer must be like with laryngitis. She should have stayed brunette. Cantwell understands this.
9.) Norah O’Donnell
She would have ranked higher, as she has in years past, but since she is on MSNBC, nobody watches her. She has twelve viewers. Eight of them are conservatives doing opposition research and two of them are lusty teenagers. Compared to the rest of MSNBC’s all male cast, including Matthews, Schultz, and Maddow, Norah possesses both charm and estrogen.
8.) The “Slutwalkers”
“Slutwalkers” is not a derogatory term I’ve coined to demean women. Rather, it’s a name these redoubtable women have proudly claimed for themselves. They have organized “slutwalks,” an exercise designed to show that the dehumanization of women as sexual objects is absurd and wrong.
They do this by walking around in public scantily clad, stretching attractively while holding didactic signs high over their heads in order to teach us all a lesson. As long as they are young and attractive, fine by me.
7.) Tamara Holder
This tough liberal attorney is allowed to talk about the penal code whenever she wants. What is it about lawyers named Holder screwing up the system? Unlike Eric, this Holder does not have a mustache.
6.) Tina Fey
In real life she is a typical elitist snob, a nobody on a show that was funny before she was born. She became a somebody by imitating a somebody, that being Sarah Palin. It is sad when your best accomplishment is being mistaken for somebody else, but that is what happens when one is on a television show thirty years past its golden years.
5.) Oprah Winfrey
After 25 years she is leaving television. Despite her liberalism, conservatives should always appreciate her for knocking Phil Donahue off the air. We should also fear her: She runs the world. Her boyfriend, Steadman Graham, is the current Attorney General. To quote Sir-Mix-A-Lot, “Baby Got Back.”
4.) Kirsten Powers
She dated the appropriately named yet slightly misspelled Anthony Weiner. She is a liberal who is sane.
Conservatives can listen to her without suffering permanent ear damage. She is capable of offering reasonable analysis, which is probably why she broke up with Weiner at the end.
3.) Leslie Marshall
She is another liberal willing to concede that conservatives have a right to exist. I have sparred with her on her radio program. She is tough, but fair. She is also hot.
2.) Alicia Menendez
She is a fiery Latina leftist. Admit it, men; even if you do not listen to a word she says, she looks great saying it.
1.) Alina Kabaeva
This pro-Kremlin woman reminds me of the 1980s movie, “Secrets of the Red Bedroom.” She has been linked romantically to Vladimir Putin.
Both deny this, but why does Vlady get to be friends with women like this? Because he can. The entire reason to be a dictator is to know women like this.
10.) Cinnamon Stouffer
This CNN Headline News reporter now goes by her middle name, Linda. I remember a commercial from the 1980s, “Help yourself to Stouffer’s Pizza.” I sure wish I could.
9.) Melissa Theuriau
She is a French journalist. To be French and non-detestable is commendable, and even better when graded on her very lovely curves.
8.) Amy Robach
The Today Show, like NBC itself, is so yesterday. Yet this woman is the loveliest thing they have seen since Jane Pauley was thrown overboard for not being hot enough. Shockingly, it was liberal white males who engaged in sexism in that episode while liberal women stayed silent.
7.) Anita McNaught
This Fox News correspondent is so regal with that British accent. She is as sophisticated as it gets. Anita McYes.
6.) Erin Burnett
This CNN anchor is a new goddess who will, we hope, be on the scene for some time.
5.) Kiran Chetry
She was on Fox News, and she was still noticed for her beauty. That says a lot, given the bevy of competition. She moved to CNN and instantly rocketed to the top.
4.) Margaret Brennan
This Bloomberg Television beauty makes more than the market … (left for your imagination). For those who grew up on Maria Bartiromo, Brennan is serious competition in the “money honey” department.
3.) Deirdre Bolton
Bloomberg Television now has the equivalent of the Doublemint Twins with another stunner. She is not related to the former United Nations Ambassador, and she also does not have a mustache.
2.) Dagen McDowell
Whether on CNN or her current gig at Fox Business, she is still the Scarlett O’Hara of finance.
1.) Ruby the Heartbreaker (Karima El Mahroug)*
This 18-year-old is why Silvio Berlusconi is the luckiest billionaire on Earth, assuming there are no consequences. The Italian Prime Minister and his Bunga Bunga sex parties gave us Ruby’s great bongos.
Not only is she lovely, but “Bunga Bunga” is just fun to say. I think it involves trampolines. If Berlusconi did sleep with her, the reason is obvious: because he can. That is the whole point of being a wealthy billionaire who runs an entire nation.
There is going to be serious controversy over this list. While Shannen Doherty gets a lifetime beauty notice, she has not done anything political lately.
Once she reenters the political arena, she will vault back to her customary perch atop the beauty list as the hottest woman on Earth.
Mary Katharine Ham is not on the list. She recently got married, and my wedding present to her is to spare her the indignity of this nonsense. She will most likely return next year.
There are so many stunning conservative women, and I own the calendar to prove it. I bought it at CPAC and Kate Obenshain autographed it. Yet like cutting a budget, tough choices have to be made and I made them.
10.) Jan Brewer
Yes, I know. Some of you think I have lost my ever loving mind. Hey, Racquel Welch is looking phenomenal at 70, and Joan Collins is still elegant. How can one not lust after a woman who is constantly mentioned in the same sentence as “crackdown.” She is on the forefront of law and order in America, and that is hot.
9.) Lisa Baron/Delia Lopez/Elizabeth Halseth/Mande Wilkes
Delia Lopez ran for Congress in Oregon in 2010. In 2010, Elizabeth Halseth entered theNevada state legislature. Mande Wilkes ran for the state legislature in South Carolina. Lisa Baron is a Republican Jewish brunette who wrote a political sex book. The fact that Baron is not number one shows how amazing the women ahead of her are. Sadly, none of the women on this list are, to my knowledge, in her book.
8.) Mary Taylor
The Lieutenant Governor of Ohio is one of the least well known of the stunning Mama Grizzlies, but being second in line to John Kasich should make her stand out.
7.) Ellen Karis
This Greek goddess of conservative comedy is funny, and married to a Jewish guy. Sadly, that man is not me.
6.) Sarah Palin/Michele Bachmann/Kristi Noem
The two hottest women ever to run for the White House are also two of the nicest, sweetest, and downright loveliest. They are both hopelessly in love with their own husbands. This is sweet and beautiful, but unfair to all other men everywhere. Kristi Noem is a newcomer to Congress from South Dakota. May she stay forever.
5.) Andrea Tantaros
Continuing with the Greek Aphrodite theme, Andrea Tantaros remains the conservative woman easy on the eyes who will make your ears bleed if you get on her bad side. She may have been the one who found the heel of Achilles in the Iliad. She certainly understands what men like: her.
4.) Jill Rowland
She ran for Congress in New York in 2010. The freezing winter is no match for her sultry warmth.
3.) Carol Vorderman
This British bombshell was a game show host who is rumored to be politically supportive of the Tories. At age 50 she just beat out 27 year old Royal Pippa for England’s coveted “Rear of the Year” award. She laughed and admitted that she has always “had a big bum.”
2.) Rebecca Kleefisch
The Lieutenant Governor of Wisconsin is a smoldering beauty who, sadly, got married and had children before I could vote for her myself by diamond encrusted ballot.
As the second in command to Governor Scott Walker, she is at the forefront of the battle to subdue the rabid, frothing unions. They are low and crass while she remains high class.
1.) Tzipi Hotovely
This Israeli legislator should change her name to “Simply So Lovely.” She belongs to Likud and really looks good. She may be the hottest conservative Jewish brunette on Earth. She came to Los Angeles, and left without me getting a chance to propose to her. Now she may never know that I am adding my name to the billions of men who want her. She is so hot that even Palestinian men put down their rocket launchers and try to launch themselves in her direction.
She is the Top Conservative Republican Hot Political Woman of 2011.
The women on this list all have something in common besides being hot. I have never been close to them, but I have been allowed to look at them. Because they are hot, I listen to all of them – left, right and in the center.
These are the Top 30 Hot Political Women of 2011.
*Editor’s note: Due to our concerns about Ms. Mahroug’s age, Eric gallantly offered to leave M. Mahroug off the list. However, not only is she “of age,” being over 18, she also launched a journalism career by attending the Vienna Opera Ball as a paid representative (40,000 euros) for the Austrian media.
We feel that this, along with the Italian penchant for blurring the lines between sex and politics (Ilona Staller, anyone?), qualify her for inclusion in this list.)
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS blog. Eric is the author of the book trilogy“Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.” Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. After years of dating liberals, he has finally seen the light and now only dates Republican Jewish women. His family is pleased over this. Republican, Jewish women, you may contact Eric above.
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Eric Golub is an independent writer for the Communities.