WASHINGTON, May 26, 2015 – Peasants of America, it is time that you recognize your rightful monarch and kneel before the righteous power of your divinely appointed queen. Put down your plowshares, ladies, come away from your looms. Lend me your ears, and pay heed to my words.
Peasants of the land, Everytown for Gun Safety has found the answer, they have righteously and historically, answered one of the most pressing questions of our day. That question? Ought the people be armed, and does the government have the right to regulate the carrying of those arms?
To Everytown for Gun Safety, the answer is a resounding yes, or should I say, yay.
In an amicus brief filed on behalf of San Diego in the case of Peruta v. San Diego, Everytown For Gun Safety solves the issue of the personal carrying of weapons outside the home with total certainty.
“For centuries, English law broadly prohibited anyone from carrying a dangerous weapon in public, beginning with the Statute of Northampton in 1328, and continuing with the English Bill of rights in 1689.”
“Whatever the Second Amendment’s precise contours or scope, there can be no doubt that a law that has its roots in 14th-century England, and operates as dozens of American laws did throughout the 19th century, both before and after the 14th Amendment, is consistent with our “historical tradition”…and thus constitutional.”
There you have it, serfs! The right for the government to regulate the personal carrying of weapons is set forth in 14th century English law and therefore has the force of our own laws over our own people in the 21st century.
How can we refute this unassailable position?
The truth is that it cannot be done; these laws cannot be overturned, revoked or defeated.
The laws, as set forth by our English forebears, in the days of our most honored and revered King Edward III, by nature of their age, govern us still today.
Now that this argument and the force of 14th century English law have been enacted in the colonies, it is only fitting that we adopt other, more pressing laws into our society. Starting now, under order of King Henry VIII, the Church of East England shall be established, with the president of the United States seated at its most high position of responsibility.
He will have the power to appoint bishops and use treasury money to build churches. On a minor note, Catholics, Jews and other heretics will be given the choice of burning to death or conversion.
The position of president shall be replaced with the title of royal governor, and any and all elections of government officials will be abolished, with appointments being made by the current monarch of Great Britain and her royal appointee in the colonies. Long may they reign.
In addition, all civilian courts, militias, town halls, Congress and the Supreme Court are hereby dissolved. Please see your local royally appointed magistrate for more information.
It is a glorious day. As a nation we can forget the previous 700 years of turmoil, war, strife and revolution. We can forget about concepts of an armed democracy, and even democracy in general, for to live by 14th century English law is to truly be free.
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