LOS ANGELES, February 14, 2014—As women prepare for Valentine’s Day, men dating those women will fake enthusiasm. Women will insist that “their” man would never do this. Women have actually convinced themselves that their man enjoys going to the opera as well. Trust me. He wants to hang himself during intermission.
Before people out there try to invent motives on my part which are non-existent, let’s dispel those incorrect assumptions. I admit that I would have to go back well over a decade (to the best of my recollection) to remember celebrating Valentine’s Day. Because of my football addiction, I usually do not meet women until around this time of year anyway. After the Super Bowl I emerge from my bunker and see my shadow, which means dating in March. My romantic priorities are to be with my adored one on Independence Day and Halloween. Valentine’s Day is an afterthought.
For those women having positive experiences, more power to you. Just know that the men are doing this out of obligation. Valentine’s Day is a hassle.
The restaurants are packed to capacity. The prices are raised. Everything about this day sucks a man’s wallet dry.
Now there is nothing wrong with a man spending money on a woman. The flaw comes in the form of motive. The best evenings are done out of altruism. Dating should be altruistic. People should go out because they both wish to do so. By forcing people to go out on a declared day of love, it just creates forced moments. When the guy with the flowers comes to the table in front of both parties, the situation is as forced as the worker in the bathroom who wants a tip for drying your hands.
By the time the car is parked, expect slow service inside the restaurant. The evening will run very late, which is not good for people with work the next day.
The key to dating is that it should be low pressure. Both people want the other one to “chillax.” Valentine’s Day is all about pressure. For some reason a date on this day that does not end up with a kiss or much more is considered a failed date solely because of the date of February 14th itself. This makes no sense.
February 15th is a Saturday night. Waiting an extra day will not hurt anybody. For those who do not have to be up early, Thursday the 13th would have had plenty of good tables at the finest restaurants.
The best way to truly have a romantic Valentine’s Day is to stay home. Do a quiet night in. Cook dinner together. Watch a rented movie. If the dating has reached a deep enough level, take a trip to the Jacuzzi and bring some soft music.
There is nothing romantic about sitting in traffic for an overpriced meal in a restaurant where privacy is non-existent and sound travels loudly. The best way to lose the mood is to be forced to observe other barely evolved homosapiens in their natural eating habitat
So Happy Valentine’s Day to you all, and I look forward to not seeing you. By choice, I will be at home relaxed and comfortable. Whether stag or with that someone, relaxed and comfortable as how we should be to begin with.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”
Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free.
Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS.
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