PHILADELPHIA, May 12, 2014 — I love you, mom. Happy Mother’s Day. Now let’s talk football.
You may not have any idea what the NFL Draft actually is, but it makes me, and by extension you, happy.
Mom, the Draft is not an actual game. It is the equivalent of “choosing up teams” like kids do on the playground in elementary school. “Ok Timmy, you stand over here. Bobby, you’re on this team. Joey, you’re on the other team.” Yes, mom, millions of leatherheads care about this.
The question you were burning to ask was who won and who lost on Draft weekend?
The Oakland Raiders had an excellent Draft. Getting linebacker Khalil Mack with the fifth pick was a gift from Heaven, further proof that Jesus is living in North Florida under the pseudonym Tim Tebow. Getting quarterback Derek Carr in the second round without having to trade up showed great discipline by Raiders General Manager Reggie McKenzie.
The Jacksonville Jaguars showed why they are they 32nd best franchise in the league more often than not. Taking quarterback Blake Bortles with the third overall pick was insane. Everybody else had the discipline to wait longer.
The Cleveland Browns were winners for drafting Johnny Manziel. The Dallas Cowboys were winners for not drafting him. He is a perfect fit for a Cleveland franchise desperate for a savior. The Cowboys owner thinks he is a savior, and Jerry Jones’s subordinates deserve credit for locking the boss in a closet and making sure he did not detonate the nuclear (Johnny) football.
Manziel and Teddy Bridgewater were both humbled in a draft that humbled virtually every quarterback, except Bortles and Carr. A.J. McCarron had an especially miserable Draft until the Cincinnati Bengals put him out of his misery in the fifth round.
The St. Louis Rams made football history by drafting an openly gay player. Mom, you are probably thinking the same thing about Michael Sam as everybody else, so let me ease your concerns. Yes, he can play football, and yes he is a nice young man who loves his mother. Rams coach Jeff Fisher is a winner who will nurture Sam like he was his own son.
Nobody knows why the New York Giants went with a wide receiver instead of an offensive tackle. You may not know what those things are, but the people paid to draft players for the Giants do. Mom, your confusion here is understandable since we are all confused on this one. However, the Detroit Lions picking up a blocking tight end to protect their signal caller made sense.
The only downside is that being drafted is a beginning, not an ending. Not one player is guaranteed a roster spot. Players can get drafted and never play in a single game. Undrafted players can play for many years. Just accept this, mom.
The Houston Texans selected Jadavean Clowney, and he is a freak of nature. Do not be offended. In the world of football, this is a compliment. Everything else Houston did became irrelevant once Clowney came off the board.
Mom, I am sure you saw on the news that fine young man named Kevin Durant. He plays for the Oklahoma City Thunder. They are a basketball team, so his not being drafted by the NFL is not a reflection of his strong character. I know you like seeing nice guys do well.
There are so many more things to be said about the 2014 NFL Draft, but that was the gist of it. When players get drafted, the first thing they do is buy their mother a house or car. I was not drafted, so I hope you like the chocolates you received.
Mom, you are the best mother for which a guy could ask, even if most of this column made zero sense to you. I will explain it again next year when the 2015 NFL Draft rolls around.