Six steps everyone should take to return to normalcy this Thanksgiving
LOS ANGELES, November 24, 2021 — After months of isolation spent honing our political and social beliefs, many Americans are worried about contentious Thanksgiving dinners with relatives. Politics ruins everything it touches. Social justice warriors ruin everything else. Those who refuse to shut up about their personal beliefs are the cause of this ruin. It is legal in America to have unexpressed thoughts, especially when those thoughts are opinions based on emotions.
To bring real peace to the 2021 Thanksgiving table, here are six steps for everyone to accept.
1.) Nobody cares about climate change or your Prius.
People who feel compelled to discuss their environmentalism as heroism are not socially conscious. They are annoying and insufferable. Prius drivers have an obnoxious habit of driving 20 miles under the speed limit in the left lane. Most Americans want to give them the NASCAR tap into the wall. We restrain ourselves from running over you with our real cars. You can restrain yourself from talking about your fake cars. Your babbling about your carbon footprint takes up a larger carbon footprint itself than anything at the Thanksgiving table.
2.) Nobody cares that you believe “meat is murder.”
Vegans are weirdos. We suffer your existence provided you keep your veganism to yourself. Don’t try to spread your anti-meat cult. Tofurkey is not people’s food. To quote Ray Romano, “I would sooner eat the box it comes in.” You have a right to eat tree bark. You do not have a right to come to anyone else’s home and demand or even suggest that they eat tree bark. Turkey is the official food of Thanksgiving. We eat meat because it tastes good. No, we don’t want your plant-based poison.
3.) Watch football or leave the room.
Watching football does not mean babbling during the game. Nobody cares if you want the players to kneel before the National Anthem. Nobody cares that you believe the patriotic jets flying before the game burn fossil fuel. Your belief that football is violent misses the point. It is fantastic, glorious violence. It is an outlet for normal people to release their aggression. Wanting to strangle the referee after a stupid call distracts us from wanting to strangle you after a stupid comment about social justice. There is a reason ballet is not the king of all sports.
For those of you who ruin Thanksgiving or Super Bowl parties, do not demand silence during the commercials and halftime show while talking during the game itself. American football is a distinctly American tradition. If you don’t like it, stay out of the room. We won’t interrupt you when you’re watching a macrame competition. If football is too patriarchal for you, watch the Lingerie Bowl. All the participants are women.
4.) Do not utter one word about masks or vaccines.
We are all going to die one day. Most people do not die at the Thanksgiving table unless they down the whole pot full of gravy. If you are a guest, do not even think of asking other unvaccinated or maskless guests to stay home. Your paranoia is your problem. Thanksgiving is a holiday that celebrates our first step toward freedom. Your authoritarian nature is the antithesis of freedom. If you are afraid of dying, you are afraid of life itself. And if you are afraid of life, you should stay home. If you want to wear a mask, be a virtue-signaling clod. Do not try to force your lunacy on anyone else.
The only thing we care about less than your vaccination status is your preferred gender pronouns. As for the vaccination status of others at the table, the appropriate response to your inquiry begins with “go” and ends with “yourself.”
5.) Shut up with your Thanksgiving genocide nonsense.
Thanksgiving is not about the white man slaughtering poor innocent minorities in a systemically racist system that supports the murder of minorities. If you use the acronym “BIPOC” in a sentence, self-deport from the home for one day. Thanksgiving is a positive holiday that celebrates a bountiful harvest. The American settlers and the American Indians all gathered together in peace, harmony and fellowship. They gave thanks to almighty God for allowing them to have food to eat together.
This leads directly into the last and most important rule.
6.) Thanksgiving is a unifying holiday steeped in God, America, and gratitude.
If you are allergic to any of those concepts, stay home and be an ingrate. Are you blessed to have a roof over your head and food on your table? Then this is a great Thanksgiving. If nobody you love has died lately, this is the best Thanksgiving ever.
My Thanksgiving will be spent watching football at home. None of you are invited. The Raiders game is more important to me than anything you have to say. Rather than ruin your Thanksgiving, isolation is my choice. Follow my example.
About the Author:
Brooklyn-born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist, and comedian. But he lives for football. Particularly the Raiders.
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