CHARLOTTE, NC: Happy New Year! They say that ALS is no laughing matter, but the truth is that laughter is often the best medicine. With that in mind, here’s a personal selection of some of my favorite bad jokes to start the year off right.
Some come from my childhood, others from the children of my children. Either way, they ought to bring a little humor into your lives.
And these jokes are good for the whole family to share and enjoy.
Now laugh. Or at least chuckle.
When do cows go to sleep?
When it’s pasture bedtime.
What’s the oddest thing that happens with a hypochondriac support group?
Members call in sick, but they all show up for the meeting.
After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.
“You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she screamed.
“What other woman?” Adam shouted. “You’re the only one for me!” That night, Adam was awakened by Eve poking him in the chest.
“What are you doing?”
“Counting your ribs.”
Snake 1: Are we poisonous?
Snake 2: I don’t know. Why?
Snake 1: I just bit my lip.
How did Louis XIV feel after completing the Palace of Versailles?
My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for 40 years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.
What yearbook superlative was Robert E. Lee given at graduation?
Most likely to secede.
A Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on warfare.
The librarian replies, “You’ll only lose it.”
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
The police are called to an apartment and find a woman standing over a lifeless man, holding a bent and twisted five-iron.
The detective asks, “Is that your husband?”
“Yes,” replies the woman.
“Did you hit him with the golf club?”
“I did,” she sobs.
“How many times did you hit him?”
“I don’t know,” she replies. “Five, six, maybe seven times. Oh look, just put me down for five.”
You’re riding a horse at full speed while being chased by a lion and there’s a giraffe in the way in front of you. How will you escape this highly dangerous situation?
Get off the carousel.
A husband texts his wife one bitterly cold winter morning:
His wife texts back, “Pour lukewarm water over it.”
Five minutes later he answers: “Computer completely messed up now.”
Late one night, Norm’s doorbell rang. When he answered the door, he found a six-foot-tall cockroach standing in front of him. The bug grabbed Norm by the collar, punched him in the eye, threw him across the living room and then ran off.
The next day, Norm went to his doctor to have his bruised eye examined.
“Ah, yes,” the doctor said. “There’s a nasty bug going around.”
A distraught senior citizen dialed her doctor’s office. “Is it true,” she asked, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”
“Yes, I’m afraid so,” said the doctor.”
After a long moment of silence, the woman replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious my condition is because this prescription is marked ‘No Refills.’”
Fresh out of gift ideas, a man buys his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, so she phones him, furious.
“What are you complaining about?” he fires back. “You still haven’t used the present I gave you last year.”
The burial service for the elderly woman climaxed with a massive clap of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder.
“Well,” said her husband to the pastor, “she’s there.”
Comic Sans, Helvetica, and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“Get out!” shouts the barman. “We don’t serve your type here!
An amnesiac walks into a bar.
He walks up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”
A neutron walks into a bar.
“How much for a beer?” the neutron asks.
“For you?” says the bartender. “No charge.”
A panda walks into a bar.
He gobbles some beer nuts, then pulls out a pistol, fires it in the air, and heads for the door.
“Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back,
“I’m a panda. Google me!”
Sure enough, the definition of a panda:
“A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
A cowboy walks into a bar.
His hat is made of brown wrapping paper.
His shirt and vest are made of waxed paper.
And his chaps, pants, and boots are made of tissue paper.
Pretty soon they arrest him for rustling.
Now my favorite bar joke:
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please!”
Finally, for all my ALS friends who share my affliction without being able to use their arms, here’s this:
While cleaning out the garage, I found an old protest sign that read, “DISARM TODAY!”
On the other side, it said, “DAT ARM TOMORROW.”
About the lead image: Image by Kat Jayne for Pexels.com
Follow Kat Hayne at https://www.pexels.com/@katlovessteve
About the Author:
Bob Taylor is a veteran writer who has traveled throughout the world. Taylor was an award-winning television producer/reporter/anchor before focusing on writing about international events, people and cultures around the globe.
Taylor is the founder of The Magellan Travel Club (www.MagellanTravelClub.com)
Read more of What in the World and Bob Taylor at Communities Digital News
Read more of Bob’s journeys with ALS and his travels around the world
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