BETHESDA, Maryland, October 27, 2014 — Beverly* is a survivor of pathological abuse and domestic violence living and recovering in The United States.
Before the relationship, I was a trusting person who always took pride in myself for helping others in need, never judging and usually always seeing the good in people. I was a very forgiving and caring person who was very optimistic and naive.
During the relationship, I became very anxious with a mix of sheer happiness and tried to ignore all of the red flags bashing me over the head. I experienced such happiness when we were together; it was perfect. But I felt such a sick feeling in my gut when we were not. My gut was telling me he was a liar, but he would make me think I was nuts. I became unsure of myself, paranoid, insecure, needy, suspicious, untrusting and felt like he had so much he was hiding. I could not figure it out.
Near the end, I was pretty much insane ‒ up, down, confused, sad, happy, sick, out of control. My brain felt twisted and exhausted. I was mentally exhausted.
After the relationship, I felt, anger, sadness, severe depression, degraded, embarrassed, stupid, taken for a fool, used, abused, emotionally dead inside, untrusting of anyone and completely degraded and devalued. I felt so much anger and rage.
Here are a few things he made up to make me think we were compatible:
1. My ex-husband was an alcoholic, so he claimed he did not party. Lie.
2. I love dogs. He told me he had a dog and once spent two-thousand dollars to save its life. Lie. He never had a dog.
3. My ex-husband was insecure, overly jealous and uptight, so he made it clear he was very confident and never jealous. We talked often about our jealous exes and how crazy they were. More lies. He has no feelings and drove every woman he was with crazy.
4. He told me many stories illustrating his compassion. Lies. He had none.
5. He told me that he was a nurse. He wore scrubs and claimed to worked 16-hour shifts. All lies. He was never a nurse. He made it all up. The truth was that he was a pathological gambling degenerate with no job and no home. He had nothing.
6. He told me he had a terrible blood disease requiring painful treatments. Lie. Another sick and twisted lie.
7. He said he never married because he never loved anyone like that, until me of course. More lies. I discovered that he was married and was still married. His wife kicked him out and had to file for bankruptcy because of him.
I could write twenty pages filled with his lies.
He was the most patient man I ever met. He never complained when stuck in long lines, was always patient with my son and with me and never got mad when I was late. He was all the things I told him my ex-husband was not. He was never uptight, never panicked, never angered easily and was calm in any situation.
It was not normal now thinking back. He had no feelings. He was a robot, an empty shell and was the most evil of humans disguised as my soul mate .
I uprooted my entire life for this scum. I did anything and everything to help him when I was the one who needed help. I helped him with his made up stories. I loaned him money constantly. I caught him in so many lies, but he would say I was nuts. I always dropped it, because I did not want to lose him. He stole so much money from me. He lied about his whole life and never cared how I felt. I do not know who I became.
I forgave him over and over for lying and stealing because of his horrible gambling problem. He always said that we would be fine if he could just get the right help. (Yeah, right.)
After hitting rock bottom, I did everything to find him help. He stole thousands from me, his friends, his family and even banks. He was headed to jail but got into a rehab with my help. By that point, I was done.
It felt good while he was away for two months. I grew stronger and realized I was happier with him gone. I never wanted him back. After his discharge, I went for a while without him; I totally dumped him. Unfortunately, I got lonely and decided to give him a chance to prove himself as he pled and promised he would. After all, I thought, he stopped gambling.
I told him he would have to somehow gain back my trust for the five years of abuse and lies. If I needed reassurance for anything, he was willing to prove it. That lasted about a month. The lies were still coming. I knew in my heart that he was the same pathological liar he always had been.
I found out he was seeing someone at his new job. She was his new source of supply, a girl who believed his lies and manipulations and who complied and did not cause him any problems. She was his new soul mate.
He denies all of this to this day but remains with her. I am the new crazy ex waiting to get my money back he promised to pay. His family stands by him too. He was even seeing her and going to counseling with me and tricked the therapist. What a nightmare. I was discarded like trash. He said I never trusted him, that I was just crazy and that I was too damaged for him.
I cannot get past the rage and anger and wanting to make this person pay and suffer. I dream about it everyday, and I hope these feelings go away soon.
To escape the pain, I tried to date, but it just seems like there will never be that feeling of chemistry with anyone even though I know it was never real.
My biggest challenge has been controlling my anger and my desire for revenge. I struggle to control myself and not be lowered to his level. Not getting my money back is killing me. The idea that he ruined my life and may be happy with someone else still makes me feel horrible.
My best advice to others is to start talking with people who understand and educate yourself about sociopaths/psychopaths. They will never, ever change no matter what, because they do not care to change.
I continue to struggle and have good days and bad. No contact works, but I still feel broken inside. I really pray I heal completely and can learn to trust again especially myself.
Each day during the month of October, column author Paula Carrasquillo will feature a story written by a survivor of domestic violence. At the end of October, a compilation of all stories will be available for free as an e-book.
*All names have been changed to protect the survivor and the survivor’s family and friends.