Be the lifesaver holding the life raft for your children

Source Flickr Author mattbellphoto

WASHINGTON, March 15, 2014 — Parenting can be extremely difficult. It is even more challenging when a parent is barred from seeing his or her children because the other guardian is blocking access or turning the children against them. Eventually, however, the children change their views, and when they do, the parent needs to be available to them.

Children in these situations often feel a range of negative emotions about what happened and why. They may feel guilty, angry, scared or unable to even speak about it. As a parent, you need to take care of yourself. You need to be the lifesaver for your child, providing the lifeboat when their world comes crashing down.

When the child finally realizes what has happened to his relationship with you, takes back control and seeks out a relationship with you, you need to be able to help him. You need to be healthy all the way around. But how do you do this? The goal is to strive for being Happy, Healthy, Successful and Spiritually, or HHSS, positive.

The first step in the process is to stop any negative angry talk about the ex. Instead, focus on ways to move forward and get around the ex’s issues.  If you need to fight in court, fight smart. Eliminate the emotion and focus on facts. If you cannot prove it, don’t present it. Follow the court requirements down to every detail. If the Court tells you to walk down the street stark naked, then do it to show the courts that you put the children first before your own ego. As Pilates teacher Sharon Sherry says, “Heart over ego,” meaning putting your ego and your wants in the back seat and work from the hearts perspective. The approach does mean taking a chance, but recognize that you are making a positive change.  The ex will either follow along and make a similar positive change or go off the deep end, spinning even further out of control.

Move forward in a positive way in your life, be a better parent, and do not let anger at your ex dominate your decision making process. Be Happy. Be Healthy. Be  Successful. Be Spiritually Positive.

Happiness means enjoying life and who you are. As difficult as it may be, do not put your life on hold just because the children refuse to see you or tell you they hate you. Move forward with your life. 

Health includes both body and mind. Make sure to exercise, see a  therapist when things are stressful, eat right and take care of yourself. 

Success is not about money, but about where and what you do in life that makes you  feel good about being you. If you like helping at he soup kitchen, do it, regardless of whether the ex or anyone else approves. If you like working with monkeys but it pays less than your present job, if it makes you feel better about yourself, then do it. 

Spiritually Positive is not just about religion. It is about believing in yourself and/or something else. 

These four life sources are not something you have 24/7, but something you strive to have. No one is perfectly HHSS all the time, but the more HHSS you are, the better you will be for yourself. You will take control back from your ex, living the way you want to live rather than the way they want you to live. 

One of the best ways to do this is to let go of the hatred, the anger, the rage, and the hurt. Regardless of the circumstances surrounding divorce, do not seek an apology and do not pin your happiness on any action from your ex. Find a new Mantra, focusing on your own positive growth. Tell yourself, ‘I am not going to be sad, depressed and destroyed. I am going to be in control of my life, and do what I have to do to stay in control.  I will strive to be  HHSS.’

A new outlook will also improve your social interaction. People gravitate to those that are HHSS. Being around someone who is always complaining, depressed or angry is pretty stressful. In fact, it is pretty darn draining.

As you find HHSS, you will project to your children that you are there for them. You show you are in the right place emotionally and physically, allowing you to accept them with open arms.  When children finally figure things out, we need to be their lifesavers, holding the life rafts for when they finally figure it out.

The stronger we are, the better of a life saver and lifeguard we can be for our children.

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Joan is an expert in the fields of Parental Alienation, psychological abuse, intervention strategies, and techniques and strategies for moving forward and rebuilding a life after a traumatic event, or series of traumatic events. The reality is that most people don’t get to choose the things that happen to them. Hopefully though, they will arrive at a point in time where they are able to choose to be pro-active about what they want for their future. Joan has a passion for helping people recognize that point in time and then providing them with ongoing support and guidance to help them keep moving forward. She is an active advocate for victims and speaks to legislative bodies about the programs, services, and funding victims rely on for support while they journey to reclaim their lives. She also serves as a Guardian Ad Litem and is assigned by the court to cases where a minor child’s interests and rights are at risk. Joan is the author of “Where Did I Go Wrong? How Did I Miss The Signs? Dealing with Hostile Aggressive Parenting and Parental Alienation,” a contributing Editor in “Broken Family Bonds: Poems and Stories by Victims of Parental Alienation,” and continues to provide free, one-on-one, 24/7, international, online, email, and text. For more Information you can visit her website: www., or contact her at [email protected]
  • Jane Martin

    Excellent Article Joan!!! Right On!!