Sony Pictures announces “Hacked” starring the FBI

    Sony's next film features the FBI

    Sony v. North Korea
    Sony v. North Korea

    ANDERSON, IN December 20, 2014: Sony Pictures has called off the planned Christmas release of what promised to be an under whelmingly-poor comedy called The Interview, in which the main characters, journalists form the USA, are co-opted by the CIA to assassinate communist the North Korean dictator, Kim Jung Un.

    According to the FBI, Sony’s computer system was hacked by minions of Kim, probably with the cooperation of Red China. North Korea apparently demanded that Sony scratch the release.

    One major theater chain decided that there might be a threat to their 247 screens, and pulled the Christmas Day release. Within hours, Sony announced that it wasn’t going to release the film to any theaters that day.

    The North Koreans then demanded that Sony destroy all trailers, links, and teasers for The Interview, and that Sony never release the movie in any form – DVD, streaming – ever.

    Why did Sony take the cyberterrorists’ threats seriously? Because the FBI said that the threats came from credible sources. Apparently, the FBI had a look at this computer breach, put a lot of resources in play, and spent a lot of time and our dollars to assess the nature and extent of the hack.

    Also, Sony Pictures officials, in interviews with media, said the FBI told them (Sony) that “90% of companies’ systems” could have been breached by a similar attack.

    That should be good news for the North Koreans and Chinese. It affirms the success of their attack, and it also gives them priceless intel on the state of cyber security in major US companies, and of our knowledge of their signature methods.

    The FBI should not have told that to Sony, and Sony should have had better sense than to spill that sort of intelligence to the world.

    But the FBI has done some pretty stupid stuff in the past, and it shouldn’t cause us to wonder who, if anyone, is in charge of how much info gets public, thanks to the outfit.

    We need the FBI. I, in fact, need the FBI. You see, my computer was hacked last March, and I’m still reconstructing some applications. I’d really like to know who did this, and get some help rebuilding the files; then I’d like to have the FBI make recommendations for future security on my system.

    So, FBI, how about a little help? You and your friends at the NSA probably have all my stuff backed up, in case I turn out to be a bad guy or if I should speak out against the government.

    So, could you please send a few guys over, with a USB stick, and work with me a few days to make sure my system is back up and running, and secure from all probes except your own? After all, you can do this for a Japanese-owned, Hollywood-based corporation; why not for a regular citizen?

    Thanks. That’d be great.

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