Hillary Clinton: The Ivan Ackerman of the 2016 presidential campaign

Ivan Ackerman has nothing on Hillary Clinton.


PHOENIX, Feb. 7, 2015 – In Annie Hall, Woody Allen as Alvy Singer describes a grade school classmate, “And Ivan Ackerman, always the wrong answer…always!”

Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton touts her experience while on the campaign trail. She was first lady for eight years and intimately involved in her husband’s presidency. She was also a senator from New York and a former secretary of state. Yet, she also claims not to be part of the establishment because she’s, you know, a woman.

Um, Hillary, we get that you’re a woman, the pantsuits give it away, but the establishment starts and ends with you.

This is one of Clinton’s many problems. When asked or challenged about anything, she predictably gives the wrong answer. Rather than quell the storm, she inevitably makes things worse – for herself.

Let’s start with her email scandal. Here she hasn’t merely given one wrong answer, she’s given multiple and repeated wrong answers.

First, she said had a separate email server because it was convenient. Why should she make it hard and make the Chinese hack into two email accounts? I trust they gave her an extra special Christmas gift this year for the convenience.

Then she claimed that the server was safe because she had secret service agents guarding it. She seems unaware that hacking into an email server does not require a sledgehammer, nor the tools to pick open the lock to the bathroom door.

Before turning over her email server to the FBI, she had many of the incriminating emails deleted. By incriminating, of course we mean any emails related to her yoga classes. So she would have us believe. Hillary doing yoga? I think we can assume that she hires staff to do her yoga for her. (“Huma, how was my class today? Did you do that downward dog thing? Oh, and how does this remote control thing work? I want to watch HGTV, it helps me connect with the people. Huma?”)

The Reagan Revolution in the 1980 campaign

She has repeatedly attempted to pin her email troubles on the Republicans. You know, the bunch that has absolutely no control over executive branch agencies like the FBI and the Justice Department.

Clinton also said she is “100% certain” the FBI won’t find any wrongdoing regarding her private email server. The FBI is 100% certain it already has.

Just recently, Clinton’s paid speeches to Wall Street firms like Goldman Sachs have come under scrutiny. She was paid $625,000 for three speeches to Goldman Sachs groups. When asked about the exorbitant amount of money for what amounted to three crummy one hour question and answer sessions, Clinton said, “That’s what they offered.”

Normally, I don’t have a problem with people accepting what is offered. However, I don’t complain about corporate CEOs making too much money, like Hillary does. Most CEOs don’t make $200,000 an hour, like Hillary did for three crummy speeches.

How, you may ask, do I know they were crummy speeches? Well, have you heard her speak? All of her speeches are crummy. They are a lot like sitting through my high school geometry class with my teacher, Mrs. Farkle. Mrs. Farkle was boring and shrill, but at least she never tried to blame a quadrilateral or a parallelogram on the Republicans.

We would know exactly how crummy Clinton’s speeches were except her campaign has thus far refused to release transcripts of those speeches.

According to the New York Times, Joel Benenson, Clinton’s pollster, told reporters, “I don’t think voters are interested in the transcripts of her speeches.”

Normally, I have no interest in Hillary Clinton’s speeches. Nor should anyone else. However, she did claim in a recent debate that she went to Goldman Sachs to warn them that they were going to wreck the economy. It would be interesting to find out how much “warning” Goldman Sachs got for its $625,000.

And for the woman who has over the years lamented about the windfall profits of oil companies, isn’t $625,000 for what amounts to three hours of, ahem, work, a bit of a windfall profit? Just asking.

Ivan Ackerman has nothing on Hillary Clinton.

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Curtice Mang earned a Political Science degree after attending college during the depths of the Carter Administration, a time where the only thing worse than the Carter malaise was Disco. He is the author of two books of political humor, The Smell of Politics: The Good, The Bad, and The Odorous and The Constitution – I’m Not Kidding and Other Tales of Liberal Folly. He has worked in the insurance industry for over 30 years and is also a high school basketball coach. In addition to CommDigiNews, Curtice contributes to multiple conservative websites, including Broadside News, Front Lines and What Would the Founders Think. He can be found at www.mangwrites.com, where his books are also available for purchase for a song (and the cover price). Contact Curtice at [email protected] or follow him on Twitter @curticemang. He can also be found wandering about on Facebook and Google+. His views are his own - mostly because no one else would claim them.