WASHINGTON, June 7, 2015 — Vermont’s Sen. Bernie Sanders has never been a well-oiled wheel. In the 1970s, he published an essay in the Vermont Freeman, “Man—and Woman,” a piece he claims was a prescient stab at “Fifty Shades of Grey”-type BDSM fantasy. Wrote Sanders in deathless prose, “A woman enjoys intercourse with her man—as she fantasizes being raped by three men simultaneously.’’
Sanders would have a hard time topping that debut, and he hasn’t tried. Instead he’s eschewed literature for politics, making comments and claims less titillating than his attempts to write porn but just as outlandish:
- An abundance of consumer choices is a cause of poverty and privation. “You don’t necessarily need a choice of 23 underarm spray deodorants or of 18 different pairs of sneakers when children are hungry in this country,” he laments.
- The highest income-tax rate should be 90 percent, because closing the gap between rich and poor is more important than economic growth.
- And Bernie Sanders should be president.
These ideas are all odd by themselves, but taken together, Sanders’ ideas go from odd to incoherent. So I offer up my services as a speechwriter for Bernie Sanders to turn this incoherent mess of ideas into a rambling jumble of ill-conceived thoughts.
“Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for giving me the opportunity to speak with you today. As you know, I recently announced that I am a candidate for the president of the United States. Please, stop laughing. I’m serious. No, really!
“Let me get one thing out of the way first. As has been reported, back in the 1970s, I wrote about men’s and women’s sexual fantasies. I know what you’re thinking; usually, when a socialist speaks of rape, it involves the taxpayer.
“I was much younger in those days and didn’t really know much about anything, especially about women’s rape fantasies. But even back then, I was a socialist. That means that I didn’t really need to know about a subject before I pontificated on it.
“Fortunately, I am a lot older now, although I don’t seem to know much more than I did then, as will be quite clear once I have completed my remarks here tonight.
“Recently, I voiced my approval of a 90 percent tax rate. For the government to collect 90 percent of a paycheck seems like a terrific idea. Nothing says hard work, innovation and productivity quite like a 90 percent tax rate.
“Upon reflection, I think this wasn’t a very good idea. So, today I’m calling for a 110 percent tax rate. I know there are some who will say, “Bernie, that makes no sense.” To those naysayers, allow me to suggest that making sense is outside of the scope of government. If it made sense, we wouldn’t still have mohair subsidies. I don’t even know what mohair is.
“Actually, I’ve just been told by one of my advisors that mohair is a silk-like fabric or yarn made from the hair of the Angora goat. Whatever. I don’t think we ought to be subsidizing mohair. Rather, as a socialist, I believe that the government should take over the production of mohair outright. So, if elected, I will demand the confiscation of all Angora goats in the United States.
“We should also look at confiscating all other types of goats. Perhaps all farm animals. Heck, maybe even all farms.
“So, 110 percent it is.
“Now, let’s talk about deodorants. There are lots of them. I previously said there are 23 of them. I believe I underestimated. There seem to be many more. That is just too many, especially when kids are starving.
“I have often been asked exactly how many types of deodorant should there be. Let me state here and now that I categorically am not pro-choice. I do not believe that any American should be able to choose his or her own deodorant. Everyone should smell like, well, like me. I smell pretty good. I am the best smelling socialist senator from the great state of Vermont. A tad bit woodsy, perhaps, but everyone will get used to it.
“If kids are going to go hungry in this country, they should at least smell like me.
“I understand there are other candidates in this race. I don’t really know why. I think it’s a law or something. I also understand that I’m not the front runner at this time. Apparently, that belongs to the lady that talks to the press as often as Bill Belichick has about Deflategate.
“Some other guy in the race was a governor, or something. And a new guy, who lives Canada, just got into the race. I thought we had rules against that.
“Well, be that as it may, I’m the only one in the race who has articulated a clear policy on the fundamental issue of our time – deodorant!
“In fact, be sure to stop by my website where I’ve got “Smell Like Bernie” T-shirts for sale. While I’m a socialist when it comes to everyone else, I’m all for capitalism when the one making the buck is me.
“The choice, ladies and gentlemen, is clear.”