Explaining climate change, politics and 57 genders to Dad

Dad may have died before 9/11, but I still try to explain things to him


PHOENIX, April 26 2016 – Dad passed away a few months before the 9/11 terror attacks. He was quite a sports fan, loved old jazz, was very interested in politics and, like most of us at the time, had no idea who Osama bin Laden was.

Obviously, a lot has happened since then. Every now and then I talk to him to catch him up on how things are going here in the earthly world. Boy, does he get pissed!

Hey, Dad! How’s it going? Not much has changed on your end since we last talked, huh? I guess that’s kind of the norm. A lot of stuff seems to be happening down here. Be glad you’re not still here, you wouldn’t be happy.

No, it’s only April, so the Cubs haven’t been mathematically eliminated yet. A lot of baseball experts are saying it’s the Cubs year this year. Dad, stop laughing, they aren’t kidding this time. But it is 2016, an even- numbered year, so the Giants should win the World Series again this season. That should make you happy.

The Suns? It was another bad year. Sixth year in a row without making the playoffs. Don’t complain, you didn’t have to watch them this season. It wasn’t pretty. The good news – the Lakers were worse.

Prince just died. You might not remember him. A musician, he hit it big in the ’80s. For a while he changed his name to some symbol that looked like a rattlesnake doing yoga. Yeah, that’s the guy.

The guy who sang “Me and Mrs. Jones” in the ’70s died too. Billy Paul, I think was his name. Terrible song. I know you were much more of a Louie Armstrong and Stan Getz guy, but I just mention it because you may bump into them soon.

We’re finally in the last year of Obama’s presidency. Since he won re-election in 2012, a lot of us have been counting down the days until he is out of the White House. It seems like it’s been an eternity. Yes, I know that you have a much better concept of eternity than I do, but still…

No, Dad, a lot of the Republican presidential candidates have dropped since we last talked. There are only three left. Yep, Donald Trump is still leading by a lot. I know, a lot of people are as surprised as you. He looks like he’ll get the nomination.

Cruz and Kasich have sort of teamed up to try to stop him from getting enough delegates on the first ballot. It seems like a WWF type of gimmick. I don’t think that alliance will last very long. Our conversation might last longer.

Kasich and Cruz team up in hopes of stealing nomination from Trump

Kasich? Yes, he’s still a whiner. The Cruz and Trump supporters hate each other. Back when you were still here Republicans used to despise the Democrats. It doesn’t seem to work that way anymore. Why? Well, I guess social media, like Twitter, has something to do with it.

Oh, I forgot, I haven’t really explained that. Let’s just say that news and opinion aren’t just relegated to CNN or Fox News anymore. I’m not sure how the logistics work where you’re at, but I’ve got a Twitter account. You can follow me on your smart phone.

Smart phone? Oh, I forgot that too. Portable cell phones aren’t just phones anymore, they are computers. You can connect to the Internet, play games, watch movies and a lot more stuff. They say that there is more computing power in smart phones than there was in the NASA computers during the Apollo program. I don’t know if I can actually land a spacecraft on the moon, but I can order a pizza without actually talking to anybody. And I can pay my cellphone bill with my…cellphone. Neil Armstrong could never do that.

Anyway, the GOP establishment hates Trump. They are trying everything to derail him. I don’t know if anything will work at this time. They didn’t take him seriously until it was probably too late for them to do anything. They used to hate Cruz too, but are warming up to him a little, mostly because he’s not Trump.

Hillary Clinton still can’t seem to put away Bernie Sanders on the Democratic side. Yes, he’s the socialist from Vermont. You make a good point, only when compared to Hillary Clinton does socialism look good. Hillary likes to talk about how she is the most transparent politician ever. I knew that would make you laugh, Dad.

Hillary is in big trouble because she had a private email server when she was secretary of state. That’s supposed to be a big no-no. Yes, she was secretary of state. No, I’m not kidding. The server was in some guy’s bathroom in Colorado. I think every time the guy flushed the toilet the Chinese were able to get a look at her emails.

The FBI is investigating. There’s talk of an indictment. I doubt it. If she were a Republican, she’d be in jail already. One of the Democratic talking heads said recently that Hillary could beat Trump from jail in the general election. I’d really like to test that theory.

Bill Clinton? Yes, he’s still around, but he’s lost a step or two…or six. Just doesn’t woo a crowd like he used to. He seems a bit doddering to me.

One of the big controversies right now is about transgender bathrooms. Transgender, you know, like when a guy dresses as a woman and calls himself a woman, or vice versa. They call biology gender assignment now. They apparently grade that assignment on a curve these days. They now say that if you identify as a female you can use the women’s restrooms.

I know it’s dumb, I’m just telling you.

No, Dad, it’s nothing like that pre-school incident. Nothing. Dad, you just can’t let that one go, can you? Please, just drop it.

You are right, though, it does sort of remind you of the East German women’s Olympic team, doesn’t it? Did I tell you about Bruce Jenner? I’ll save that for another time. Let me put it this way, ESPN gave him a courage award and it had nothing to do with how he did well in the Senior Olympics and everything to do with how he looks in a skirt.

Target stores felt the need to announce to everybody that they are inclusive and will allow anyone to use the restroom to which their gender identity corresponds. I’m not kidding. Thousands are talking about a boycott.

Yes, I know you never went inside a Target store, mom did all the shopping.

The transgender bandwagon, goodbye A-Jack and more gripping news

There are a lot more genders than there used to be, Dad. Back in your day there were only two. According to the University of Sydney there are now 57 genders. You remember, I told you about that a couple of years ago. I forget, I’m not really sure how you keep track of time. Oh, you don’t have to? I see. Two years could be two minutes to you. I guess time isn’t really relevant for you anymore.

But, trust me, picking out a gender these days is more complicated than picking out health insurance during the open enrollment period.

Remember, I told you all about Obamacare. It hasn’t gotten any better. It keeps getting way more expensive for everybody. No, so far the government hasn’t mandated that Americans buy any more products, but it’s still early yet.

Remember Al Gore? Yep, he was the last Democrat you voted against before you died. He’s still hanging around. He’s made a fortune whipping up hysteria about climate change. The weather still changes here, Dad, it’s not like where you are.

What’s climate change? I thought I already told you about it. Well, they used to call it global warming until people started realizing that the earth wasn’t really warming at all. Now they call it climate change and claim it that it causes virtually every weather event.

They blame everything on climate change, even crime. Gore and his crowd are a very tedious bunch.

Is it getting any hotter? Um, people still flock to Arizona to get away from the cold, snowy midwestern winters. Draw your own conclusions. And the Canadians in Arizona in January, don’t even get me started. They are all retired, but feel the need to drive in the morning rush hour traffic.

You remember. It’s even worse now.

It’s all based on computer models, Dad. And the climate models haven’t been very accurate so far. Gore said few years ago that the polar ice caps would all be melted by now. Was he right? Let’s just say that if you’re at the South Pole and you want a frozen margarita, you will run out of tequila long before you run out of ice.

The White House declares Extreme Heat Week. Honest!

They want to make it a crime now to have a different opinion about climate change than they do. What’s their opinion? Well, they say that if we don’t reduce our dependency on fossil fuels by a lot the seas will rise, there will be no food and people will die. Yes, I know they said the same thing about global cooling in the ’70s.   If they were right, then you’d have a lot more company where you are by now.

A bunch of state attorneys general are investigating Exxon and a think tank called the Competitive Enterprise Institute. They could have a different opinion about climate change than the Gore groupies.

The First Amendment? You’re funny, Dad. Yes, we still have it, but nobody seems to pay attention to it anymore. They just want to shut up anyone who has an opposing view.

One of Kennedys thinks that those who disagree with the climate change dogma should be put in jail. Alec Baldwin says it’s a mental disorder to question climate change. Yeah, like he should talk about mental disorders.

Baldwin? Yes, the actor. No, he still lives in New York. He never did leave the country when Bush was elected like he said he would. What’ he doing now? Well, mostly he appears in commercials and gets into fights with the paparazzi.

You’ve got to go now? Oh, time for racquetball. Okay. It’s been great talking to you. We’ll talk again after the political conventions.

By then the Cubs should be mathematically eliminated.

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