WASHINGTON, May 14, 2015 – Sick and tired of the humongous, way-inflated prices you’ve been coughing up for years to pay for movie theater sodas and ballpark brewskis? Hey, we all are, right buckaroos?
Leave it up to good old traditional American ingenuity to solve your problem. Two exciting new products, the WineRack (for the ladies) and the Beerbelly (for the gents) can help you beat those movie theater and stadium beverage extortionists at their own game.
Ladies, the WineRack (get it?) helps you sneak that favorite libation into your event with a tasteful, eye-catching appliance that not only conceals your beverage from the prying eyes of those nefarious theater and stadium enforcers. The WineRack also offers an incredibly inexpensive way to enhance your appearance without the fuss and muss of costly, painful and time-consuming implants.
“Turn an A cup in to double Ds AND sport your favorite beverage for yourself and your friends!
“Better than a Boob Job and Cheaper Too! Not to mention the savings on over priced drinks.
“We developed The WineRack to ‘Fill Out’ our product line if you will. The picture shown here is of our good friend Drea, who is NOT, no offense Drea, Well Endowed. Sporting the Winerack and Voilá! [sic] Drea’s giving Pamela Anderson a run for the money.
“Take a bottle of wine, a mixed drink or even a fifth of your favorite hard stuff to the movies, concerts, ball games, even PTA meetings. Sporting a rack that will turn heads and serving a beverage that will have guys standing in line for a sip of your secret stash!
“With [a] simple blow into the tube it’s easy to keep that full look even as you drink from your secret stash.”
Not to worry, Drea, we all still love you. But better yet, ladies, to get an idea of what this product can do for you, check out this handy how-to YouTube review from an outfit called “BM22 TechReview”:
Need one? Want one? Call now! Their lines are open, and operators are waiting to take your call. Or maybe not, because it’s the Internet. So have that credit card ready. Preferably the one that’s not over-limit, right?
But wait! There’s more!!
Guys! Don’t imagine the good folks at Beerbelly have left you in the lurch. There’s a reason why this outfit chose that name for their company. You are their primary market. (Although Drea probably attracted your eyeballs first.)
These bright Beerbelly bulbs in our increasingly dim universe fully recognize that (unless your name is Bruce Jenner) dudes lack a rack for hiding their contraband brew. But think about it. Most of you, too, have a clever, deceptively simple and All-American guy way to camouflage your liquid lunch naturally without attracting unwanted attention from the beer Gestapo at your local arena. It’s… the real Beerbelly!
Let’s turn it back to the copywriters:
“The Beerbelly brings Freedom to the Beverage! Now you can drink WHAT you want, WHEN you want, WHERE you want, with no hassles and for less money! What more could you ask for? Now you can drink your favorite beverage at the movies, the ballgame, on the plane, anywhere, YOU DECIDE!”
Come on, guys, you know you want one. And who will know the difference when you’re wearing it, since most of you are already lugging around ample evidence of your legendary drinking prowess on your midsections?
Consider purchasing the Beerbelly Deluxe Kit (above) if you need to spend even more money on this handy investment in your entertainment future:
“Pays for itself in less than 2 uses! Now you can take up to 80oz. of your favorite beverage wherever you go… Even where ‘they’ don’t want you to! The bladder is held in an insulated pouch in the sling which is worn under your clothing for concealment. When worn, it looks just like a beerbelly, and stays cold for hours! “
To see how this clever device actually works, let’s go back to the BM22 WineRack girl. She offers a more attractive demonstration of how this cutting-edge, pleasure-enhancing product really works.
There you have it, America. The WineRack and the Beerbelly. What a country!
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