WASHINGTON, November 3, 2014 – It would be gratifying to claim authorship of the following externally submitted “List of Ten.” It showed up anonymously and unbidden in our mailbox recently, just in time, we imagine, to massively affect the outcome of this coming Tuesday’s election festivities.
Here’s the list in inverse order, slightly edited for clarity. It’s followed by some final, scurrilous observations, courtesy of our unknown satirist:
10. I vote Democrat because I love the fact I can now marry whatever I want. I’ve decided to marry my German Shepherd.
9. I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies’ profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn’t.
8. I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.
7. I vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.
6. I vote Democrat because I’m way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves. I am also thankful that we have a 911 service that gets police to your home in order to identify your body after a home invasion.
5. I vote Democrat because I’m not concerned about millions of babies being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates alive and comfy.
4. I vote Democrat because I think that illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we should take away Social Security from those who paid into it to provide these services.
3. I vote Democrat because I believe that businesses should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the Democrat Party sees fit.
2. I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who could never get their agendas past the voters.
1. I vote Democrat because I think it’s better to pay $billions$ for oil to people who hate us while not drilling for oil on our own because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher, or fish here in America. We don’t care about the beetles, gophers, or fish in those other countries.
Our apparently anonymous political satirist appended the following (possibly authentic) quotation to the list to serve as a summary:
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. –Albert Einstein
Not quite ready to quit, our author also posted the following mostly on-topic bon mot:
The best description of Obamacare so far:
Remember when Nancy Pelosi said:
‘We have to pass it, to find out what’s in it.’
A physician called into a radio show and said:
‘That’s the definition of a stool sample.’
Happy November 4!
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