LOS ANGELES, December 23, 2016 — As America prepares to say goodbye to 2016, one of life’s eternal truisms still remains: When a crisis spirals out of control, look for a Powerful Bald White Guy (PBWG).
PBWGs run this world. Giving them their due requires bringing them out of the shadows.
PBWGs are often seen on TV’s “Law and Order” franchise shows. The seriousness of the crime is determined by the number of PBWGs barking orders. Forget whether these bosses know what they are talking about. What matters is that they look like they are in complete command.
In honor of that phenomenon, this list was inspired Dann Florek, who formerly played Captain Donald Cragen on “Law and Order: Special Victims Unit.” In honor of the L&W motif, our 2016 list is dedicated to the late Tennessee Senator and veteran actor Fred Thompson, who will remain in our hearts as PWBG “Law and Order” District Attorney Arthur Branch.
People trust PBWGs because they look like reassuring, competent people who can handle things. The original PBWG as Reassurer-in-Chief was probably President Dwight D. Eisenhower.
President George W. Bush needed to convince America that a stimulus package was necessary to solve a financial crisis. Enter Hank Paulson.
President Barack Obama needed to handle an oil spill. Enter National Incident Commander Thad Allen. Nobody knew what his title meant, but he looked authoritative. Allen also resembled a walrus, and people trust walruses.
After NIC Allen appeared and looked his part, it was time to deal with the insurance claims. Obama found Ken Feinberg, who looked like he was born to be a claims adjuster. Feinberg remains a hero to technocrats everywhere.
Normally these PBWGs are from a cross-section of industries. Some are political, some are sports figures and others are everyday Americans thrust into the national spotlight for one reason or another.
But 2016 was a unique year for PBWGs. Due to the 2016 presidential election, the liberal media did what they always do. They screamed about diversity and multiculturalism and attacked white Republican males for not becoming black female Democrats. It was bad enough that white Republican men existed, but they even had the audacity to associate with other white Republican men. The media elites demanded diversity and multiculturalism, which left one question unanswered.
So why were the people leading the ongoing diversity/multicultural charge PBWGs themselves? These media titans were certainly not going to give up their own perches atop the power pyramid. So to celebrate the utter lack of diversity among hypocritical media elitists, this year’s list is dedicated to the PBWGs controlling the flow of information.
With that, here are the Top Ten PBWGs of 2016.
10.) Daniel Ek — The Spotify co-founder and CEO controls most of the music in this world. Music and technology are how to influence the next generation of young automatons, and Ek is plugged into both mediums.
9.) Philippe Dauman — The Viacom Chairman replaced Sumner Redstone, who had previously held the job for about eight billion years. From Disney to Black Entertainment Television to Time Warner to 21st Century Fox, Dauman controls most of cable television. Since television dumbs down the world, Dauman has a tremendous amount of power over boob-tubers.
8.) Michael Ferro Jr. — Its name keeps changing from Wrapports LLC to Tribune Online Content, but Ferro is the boss of this colossus that controls the Chicago Tribune, the Los Angeles Times and the Baltimore Sun. The purpose of these papers is to ignore the American people and use their editorial pages to inflict leftism upon us all. Ferro would rank higher in this year’s list, but in the newspaper world, the New York Times is the crown jewel of terrible news. Ferro’s papers are just not awful enough despite trying their worst.
7.) Phil Griffin — MSNBC President Phil Griffin is responsible for polarizing the American people 24/7. He hires leftist basket cases to teach modern liberals how to approach conservatives and scream at them. Among his many significant accomplishments, Griffin has hired Al Sharpton, Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann. No matter how terrible the ratings are for this cable channel, Griffin cannot be fired since MSNBC is more interested in ideology than quality content. They call themselves a news network despite being an all-opinion network without an actual news division.
6.) James Goldston — The Big Three original television networks still hold more sway than their cable counterparts. Goldston, the ABC News President, controls one-third of those original stations. He would rank higher on this list except for the fact he is actually only in charge of one news division at one station. His competitors own multiple entities with conflicts of interest that they ignore.
5.) Leslie Moonves — The CBS titan was not talented enough to merely become a Chairman, CEO or President, so he is all three of them. He is known mostly for having been ridiculed nightly by David Letterman. Moonves has used his free time over the years to sue Howard Stern and allow Dan Rather and Mary Mapes to attempt to rig the 2004 election with a “fake but accurate” anti-Bush memo.
4.) Jeff Zucker — The President of CNN Worldwide has also been in charge of NBC Universal. This move allows him to dumb down minds on cable television and one of the original network stations. After failing at NBC by firing Jay Leno the first time, Zucker bungled his way upward to help CNN to retain its comfortable niche as a low rated network. Tucker wants CNN to produce more documentaries, replacing controversial content and ratings with boring, sleep-inducing programming even fewer people will watch.
3.) Jeff Bezos — This online retail tycoon and Washington Post owner occupies a truly enviable position. He has money to burn, allowing his pet paper to lose millions annually by forcing its hard left ideology on its rapidly dwindling number of angry readers. Bezos can write these losses off on his taxes to offset the gains he makes from being the founder, Chairman and CEO of Amazon.com. Bezos is arranging a Brave New World where drones can be used to deliver merchandise, spy on consumers, and perhaps even kill those who do not pay their Amazon bills on time. Despite controlling the entire online shopping world, owning the failed Washington Post is still not as important, unfortunately, as owning the failed New York Times.
2.) Arthur “Pinch” Sulzberger Jr. — The New York Times publisher effectively runs a private company that’s publicly traded. Rather than needing to ignore shareholders, he can lose as much money as he wants and still only ignore a few family members who are the newspaper’s co-owners. However, to keep this failing media engine running, Pinch needed a bailout from Mexican billionaire Carlos Slim, although the Times publisher would insist this relationship does not influence his paper’s coverage of Mexico. When not attacking Republicans, Donald Trump and Israel, the New York Times spends every waking minute telling liberals what to think. Most people find the Times’ marquee opinion columnists Paul Krugman and Tom Friedman to be overrated, untalented hacks. Liberals see them as demigods. Despite getting virtually every story wrong since the invention of the printing press, Jayson Blair’s former employer continues to place identity politics above accuracy in reporting. To be fair, the New York Times does not actually report anything. It editorializes from a liberal perspective. It has no comics section and virtually no sports section, in keeping with its firm commitment to snobbery and contempt for the common man. The New York Times has power because half the country keeps giving it that power. Sulzberger is relevant because those who are irrelevant keep proclaiming his relevance. He matters to those who do not matter, but that is still a very large number of people.
In reality, these are the PBWGs who run the world. But liberals are a unique bunch. They used to control 100 percent of the world’s information. Now they only control 99% of it, and this has infuriated them, mainly due to one man who came along and broke their monopoly over the news. This man may have less actual power than the previous nine members populating this list; but he is a ritually demonized mythical figure that drives the real media power brokers into an insane frothing rage. Democrat presidents even blame him for their failure to govern.
Our number one PBWG for 2016 is El Rushbo: the great Maha Rushie.
1.) Rush Limbaugh — The Excellence In Broadcasting (EIB) Network radio host does not have any executive, legislative or judicial power. He does not have access to the military or to predator drones. He does not own a major television station or newspaper. He is essentially a former radio disc jockey. Yet because he is a conservative in a center-right nation, liberals blame him for anything and everything.
Limbaugh’s power is derived from his enemies who voluntarily give him this power. He wants to cut taxes and kill terrorists, which, for some reason, causes the others on this list to declare war on him.
While somewhat follicly-challenged, Limbaugh is not even completely bald. He has a receding hairline, but he is hardly a full-blown cueball.
Yet for making the leftist heads of more influential men explode, he is truly a brilliant embodiment of psychological warfare. Unlike the others here, Limbaugh also has a terrific sense of humor and a clear understanding of what motivates Normal America. Rush eats steaks, loves football, and has “the largest hypothalamus in America.” Unlike the others who confuse themselves with God, Limbaugh admits he is just a man with “talent on loan from God.”
While others use their media power to cry and scream when their chosen liberal candidate loses, Limbaugh survives by knowing himself. His success is not defined by who wins elections. With Donald Trump in the White House causing liberal conniptions, Limbaugh will be spending three hours every business day on the radio airwaves chronicling in considerable detail their psychological breakdowns.
Recognition of Rush Limbaugh is highly overdue, making him an easy choice as America’s Top Powerful Bald White Guy of 2016.
Here are our related Top 10 lists from 2009 through 2015 including the all-decade PBWG team of the last decade: