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Top 10 Powerful Bald White Guys of 2017: The Austin Hill Awards

Written By | Dec 30, 2017

TAMPA, December 30, 2017: As Americans prepare to leave the year 2017 behind, one of life’s eternal truisms still remains: When a crisis spirals out of control, find one or more Powerful Bald White Guys (PBWGs).

Powerful Bald White Guys run this world. Giving them their due requires bringing them out of the shadows.

Powerful Bald White Guys are frequently seen on TV’s “Law and Order” franchise shows.

The seriousness of the crime is determined by the number of PBWGs barking orders. Forget whether these bosses know what they are talking about. What matters is that they look like they are in complete command.

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In honor of that phenomenon, this list was inspired Dann Florek, who formerly portrayed Captain Donald Cragen on “Law and Order: Special Victims Unit.” Another great “Law and Order” Powerful Bald White Guy was the late Tennessee Senator and veteran actor Fred Thompson. Although he was a fine senator, Thompson will remain forever in our hearts as as the crusty but always logical head District Attorney Arthur Branch.

Powerful Bald White Guys List is now dedicated to Austin Hill

From this year on, these annual Powerful Bald White Guy awards will be dedicated to the late radio host Austin Hill. Mr. Hill (pictured above) was only 51 years old when he passed away suddenly in late 2015. He was a beloved family man and longtime radio host based in Boise, Idaho.

While Hill was indeed white, he was actually not bald. He had a thick head of perfect hair. However, he just liked this annual list of Powerful Bald White Guys. As a result, he gave it far more radio attention than it ever deserved. For his kindness and sense of humor, hopefully this list will keep Austin Hill’s memory alive forever.

Many men who could have made the list this year have since been removed from consideration for abusing and then losing their power. Matt Lauer, a prime example, is now just a BWG, not a PBWG.

With that, here are the 2017 Austin Hill Awards given to the year’s Top 10 Powerful Bald White Guys.
10.) Dan Castellaneta and Harry Shearer.

This one is more a lifetime achievement award, honoring the men who portray a pair of Powerful Bald White Guys on TV. Well, at least one of them does. The voices of Homer J. Simpson and his boss Montgomery Burns have been entertaining America on “The Simpsons” since that adult cartoon show’s premiere in 1989.

Powerful Bald White GuysFor nearly three decades, Dan Castellaneta and Harry Shearer have taken these characters to new comedic highs and lows.

While Mr. Burns is a PBWG, hapless Homer is actually a BWG who is anything but powerful. However, Mr. Burns keeps bumbling Homer around because Burns knows the pain of male pattern baldness. Then again, Homer’s ineptitude at the nuclear power plant could blow up all of Springfield. Maybe he has more power than he realizes.

9.) Wilbur Ross.

President Trump’s Commerce Secretary comes across to the public as a nondescript billionaire. However, when you have a say in every act of trade across the globe, you are a very big deal. Ross is not a lively speaker. Trump fires people up, and Ross lulls them to sleep.

For those wondering how he was once able to land a hot woman like Betsy McCaughey (they have since divorced), it’s a universally accepted fact that being that rich and that powerful automatically makes a man ridiculously handsome.

Powerful Bald White Guys

Wilbur Ross

Another component of Ross’s power is having a real-life career that nobody understands. He restructured companies, engaged in leveraged buyouts, rescued distressed businesses, and did other things that still do not tell us what he actually did.

What mattered was that he was very good at it.

8.) Marc Elias.

This once obscure attorney is a longtime Democrat hatchet man. In 2008 he helped Al Franken steal the Minnesota senate

Powerful Bald White Guys

Marc Elias

seat from Norm Coleman. He was the attorney of record for Hillary Clinton’s failed 2016 presidential campaign. He now heads the Political Law practice at Perkins Coie. In April 2016, Elias hired Fusion GPS, the outfit that created a damaging but fake dossier on then-presidential candidate Donald Trump.

While this dossier represented fraud and corruption at its highest, it also resulted in the appointment of a special counsel to investigate candidate and President Trump rather than Hillary Clinton. Elias managed to turn the justice system on its head. He got Trump under a cloud of suspicion over collusion with Russia that never happened and would not be a crime if it had. He has simultaneously protected Hillary Clinton from being indicted for actual crimes including collusion where the evidence actually exists.

For paralyzing the Trump presidency before it even started, Elias merited inclusion on this list. If Trump is impeached, Elias will rocket to the top spot. If Elias or Clinton are indicted, he will be removed from future lists of Powerful Bald White Guys.

7.) Congressman Kevin Brady.

The Chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee holds a powerful title. All appropriations bills land on his desk for

Powerful Bald White Guys

Kevin Brady

disposition. This job usually done with little flash or fanfare. But all that changed right before Christmas 2017.

President Trump signed into law the most significant tax reform since President Ronald Reagan’s successful 1986 tax package.

For being a major player in getting this key legislation passed, Brady has become a hero to conservatives, which gets him a place on this year’s list of Powerful Bald White Guys.

If the 2017 tax cuts and code revisions work as intended, Brady will be a hero to the American people as well.

6.) Senator Dan Coats.

President Trump’s Director of National Intelligence (DNI) replaced another PBWG, James Clapper. Unlike Obama’s DNI

Powerful Bald White Guys

Dan Coats

Clapper, Coats has not been caught lying to Congress.

Coats has managed to stay free from scandal. He was a longtime Indiana senator known for integrity. Widely respected on both sides of the aisle, he avoided a bruising confirmation fight that tore apart other nominees.

The Senate confirmed his nomination 85-12. He is in charge of spying on Americans, although there is hope that he will not abuse this power the way Clapper and other Obama administration officials routinely did.

5.) Rose McGowan.

Here’s an anomaly in this year’s list of Powerful Bald White Guys. Technically, Rose McGowan is female. This actress gained fame for torching Harvey Weinstein and other sexual predators on Twitter.

While this is admirable, she hypocritically continues to give a free pass to President Bill Clinton and other powerful liberals. Before her Twitter tirades, she was known as just another Hollywood leftist who hated all conservatives, Republicans, and white men. She shaved her head so she would look like a man and become less sexually attractive to men.

She succeeded. Like many once beautiful women, McGown complains about being a sex object while raking in millions of dollars in Hollywood for everything other than her brains. While no woman deserves to be sexually assaulted, no man deserves to be subjected to a crazed weirdo’s rantings. McGowan tarnishes her own good moments by lumping the accused in with the guilty.

4.) Andrew Lack.

The head of NBC News and MSNBC news, Andrew Lack is a miracle worker. While a bunch of his employees lost their jobs Powerful Bald White Guysfor being sexual predators, Lack somehow kept surviving. He has, for now, convinced enough gullible people that he had no idea that terrible things were going on directly under his nose. In most corporations, the board would declare that the boss should have known.

In Hollywood newsrooms, however, personal responsibility means denying everything and hoping not to get caught. Today, Matt Lauer is gone, and multiple, liberal MSNBC personalities have been fired for sexual harassment and sexual assault. Notwithstanding, Lack keeps collecting his paycheck, convincing the world that an internal investigation led by him will let the truth shine brightly.

The results of his investigation are expected to be revealed sometime in 2070. By revealing, we mean burying.

3.) Jeff Zucker.

Zucker is the American dream, a prime example of the Dilbert Principle running wild. He failed at NBC, got out before

Powerful Bald White Guys

Jeff Zucker

things exploded, then bungled his way higher, gaining a prime perch atop CNN. Unlike MSNBC and Fox News, CNN has stayed largely immune from inappropriate sexcapade scandals.

Part of this is because CNN’s mission statement is to be as boring as possible. CNN’s dedication to blandness has stripped out anything resembling a personality from the newsroom personalities.

As Trump assistant Sebastian Gorka remarked, Nick at Nite cartoons often get higher ratings than CNN. Meanwhile, Zucker is laughing all the way to the bank. This PBWG keeps failing, yet gets richer and more powerful with each upward bungle.

2.) Jeff Bezos, Amazon CEO.

Jeff Bezos’ goal is world domination. First he led Amazon’s initial retail onslaught to put virtually every brick and mortar

Powerful Bald White Guys

Jeff Bezos

bookstore out of business. In that pursuit, Amazon lost money – big time – every fiscal year. But Bezos convinced investors that size mattered and profits did not. Now he has both.

He bought the sinking Washington Post because there was nothing left for him to do. He already controlled the distribution flow of most of the world’s products. The only challenge left to him was to control the distribution flow of the world’s information. He is a liberal who absolutely despises President Trump.

Under his ownership, the Washington Post now exists in order to attack Republicans for the simple crime of existing themselves and breathing our air. Pre-written columns based largely on hearsay attack Trump for speeches before he gives them and for actions taken before he takes them. Yet try as he might, Bezos does not top this list. There is still one thing he does not control that Trump does: The American military.

1.) General John Kelly.

This battle-hardened Marine is now President Trump’s White House Chief of Staff. He has brought order and discipline to a chaotic White House with the same toughness that he brought to his job as a military general. He forced out perceived troublemakers from Anthony Scaramucci to Omarosa Manigault.

Powerful Bald White Guys.

Former General John Kelly, now serving as White House Chief-of-Staff. (Official U.S. Government photo, public domain)

Anyone who wants to see President Trump must go through General Kelly, including daughter Ivanka and son-in-law Jared Kushner. People no longer drop by the White House unannounced to casually chat with the president or attend meetings unrelated to their jobs. Internal leaks to the media have been drastically reduced. When a liberal black congresswoman attacked Kelly’s patriotism, he calmly responded that “empty barrels make the most noise.”

When the left tried to transform the phrase “empty barrels” into a racist insult, Kelly simply shrugged it off as beltway stupidity. He has no patience for nonsense. After a lifetime of service to his country, he is not going to lose sleep over Hollywood celebrities unimpressed with his brusque demeanor. He has a tough job to do, and he does it with his own brand of toughness.

While Defense Secretary “Mad Dog” Mattis kills the ISIS bad guys, General Kelly swats away like flies those trying to attack and harm America and its current President. Kelly twice led troops on successful missions in Iraq. He can easily handle liberal media blowhards.

For a lifetime of service and excellence that is only improving every day, General John Kelly is the most Powerful Bald White Guy of 2017.

Here are our related Top 10 lists from 2009 through 2016 including the all-decade PBWG team of the last decade:


Eric Golub

Brooklyn born, Long Island raised and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS blog. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”