CHICAGO: There are two types of people in the world. The people who welcome spring and breathe a sigh of relief and the people who know this is a time to renew vigilance. Spiders! This is not paranoia, this is real. They are out there, lurking, planning, nesting. You have got to build your defenses. Start sealing doorways! Check windows! Call your exterminator!
The other day a woman I know posted a picture on Facebook of her floral bedsheets flapping foolishly in a warm breeze. She reported with glee that it was finally a beautiful day. Doesn’t she know that sheets are a perfect hitchhiking device for the fiends? Why doesn’t she just build a web in her house right now or put a spider directly in her hair?
Furthermore, why does she have printed flowers on her sheets? Doesn’t she know that white sheets are best for facilitating spider checks of your bed before getting under the covers? They can camouflage among the prints! Spiders love beds! Good God – what was she thinking? I bet she opens the windows in her bedroom. It is common knowledge that air conditioning was invented for spider defense.
You must take this seriously, spiders are a formidable enemy, conceived in the darkest folds of the devil’s mind and forged in Mordor. This is no dumb beetle. This is no stupid ant; this is a wily adversary who is capable, cognizant, and cunning. If you cannot keep it out then you must confront it. There is no Let It Be baloney; that is for Beatles, not spiders. If you see it, you must kill it.
This is a wily adversary who is capable, cognizant, and cunning.
And you can’t just squish it with a tissue and put it in the garbage. Something made of so much pure evil has the power to reanimate. Death does not stop the keeper of death. If you smash a spider, you have to throw it in the toilet and flush. It’s kind of like cutting off a vampire’s head and then setting the body on fire.
I know the vacuum is the preferred method of elimination, but don’t fool yourself. You think they don’t know how to crawl back out, compose a manifesto of revenge in their web and summon a cabal to exact revenge on you and your family? If you suck them up because you are too chicken to take them on in hand to hand combat (I cannot blame you if this is true), then you must have a plan.
First, leave the vacuum running as it will make escape more difficult. Second get two plastic bags. Quickly, remove the vacuum bag and put it in the plastic bag tie it off, tight. Then posthaste, put that bag in another plastic bag and tie that off too. Throw that bag out, but for goodness sake, not inside the house. And if you thought of using central vacuum so that the spider is put on a super highway to the basement, otherwise known as Arachnid HQ, where they celebrate a yearlong eight-legged Oktoberfest—well then, you clearly are ill equipped to handle the arachnid onslaught.