LOS ANGELES. As Americans prepare to ditch 2018, one of life’s eternal truisms still remains: When a crisis spirals out of control, find a Powerful Bald White Guy (PBWG). Powerful Bald White Guys run this world. Giving Powerful Bald White Guys their due requires bringing them out of the shadows.
Powerful Bald White Guys are frequently seen on TV’s “Law and Order” franchise shows.
On TV cop and detective shows, the seriousness of the crime is generally determined by the number of PBWGs barking orders. Forget whether these bosses know what they are talking about. What matters is that These Powerful Bald White Guys look like they are in complete command.
In fact, Dann Florek inspired our original PBWG list was inspired. He portrayed Captain Donald Cragen on the long-running (and still running) series, “Law and Order: Special Victims Unit.” Another of those great “Law and Order” Powerful Bald White Guys was the late Tennessee Senator and veteran actor Fred Thompson. Although he was a fine senator, Thompson remains forever in our hearts for his portrayal of New York District Attorney Arthur Branch.
Our Powerful Bald White Guys List is forever dedicated to Austin Hill.
Austin Hill was only 51 years old when he passed away suddenly in late 2015. He was a beloved family man and longtime radio host based in Boise, Idaho. While Hill was indeed white, he was actually not bald. He possessed a head notable for its thick, perfect hair. He just liked this annual list of Powerful Bald White Guys and gave it far more radio attention than it ever deserved. For his kindness and sense of humor, may this list will keep Austin Hill’s memory alive forever.
As for our 2018 edition, many men eligible for the list have since been removed from consideration for losing power. For example, Lloyd Blankfein was the CEO of Goldman Sachs, and Goldman Sachs runs the world. Yet Blankfein stepped down in 2018. He is still far more than just an average BWG. Golden parachutes with stock options see to that. But, while he remains a PBWG, we can no longer number him among the year’s Top 10 since he no longer wields power at Goldman Sachs.
With that, here are the 2018 Austin Hill Awards given to the year’s Top 10 Powerful Bald White Guys.
10.) Stan Lee
This Marvel Comics creator-hero brought joy to the world. His death on November 12 at the age of 95 left superheroes from Spider-Man to The Incredible Hulk grieving. Mr. Lee would rank higher in this year’s list. But for much of his life, this Powerful Bald White Guy denied that he was bald.
9.) Kevin O’Leary
On Shark Tank, O’Leary is known as Mr. Wonderful. He is so ruthless that he could remove your prostate and sell it on eBay (assuming eBay sells prostates). His power comes from the fact that nobody knows precisely what he actually does. Heck, many people still think Shark Tank is a program about aquatic life. O’Leary is far more than the cue ball who sparks with Mark Cuban. O’Leary made his real money in software, increasingly hallowed ground for Powerful Bald White Guys.
8.) Pope Francis
He speaks, and one billion Catholics obediently obey. In addition to being one of very few religious Powerful Bald White Guys on this earth, this Pope is a genius. Rather than preach Catholic doctrine, he spouts leftist politics from the get-go. In fact, his other religion is Climate Change. Yes, he is a Climatista. Consequently, the atheistic-to-platform-agnostic media gave him an instant free pass. This even held true when he failed to properly handle his religion’s sex abuse scandal. Once again, the normally rabid American media gave him and his church a free pass. They hate religious people. But they love leftists. Score ratings win for Pope Francis.
7.) Wilbur Ross
President Trump’s 81-year-old Commerce Secretary is all personality. He may be the only man alive who can give a serious speech on economics while sleeping. This billionaire was confirmed easily by the Senate, with 72 yes votes. Democrats who normally hate Republican billionaires were lulled into voting yes. More likely, they were lulled to sleep and their head hit the wrong button.
6.) Bernie Sanders
This 77-year-old Socialist basket case still has millions of followers. While he did not succeed in turning America into Venezuela or Cuba, the Vermont senator did manage to get some of his followers elected. Unsurprisingly, they are even worse than he is. Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez is so awful that she may make the hair of other men fall out, creating a nation of Socialistic Powerful Bald White Guys like Bernie. Now that is one unique way to spread a cult.
5.) John McCain
McCain was a war hero who went on to anger many politicos on both sides of the aisle. He was a media darling when attacking Republicans, which he did early and often. But the usual suspected called him a racist when he ran for President against a leftist black. Now they lionize him. Or his memory. Why? There are only two ways for Republicans to become beloved. First, they have to die. Second, they must spend their dying days attacking other Republicans. In 2018, McCain scored brilliantly on both counts.
4.) Rudy Giuliani
He was once America’s Mayor, who saved New York City from certain death during the 1990s. He held the world together in the wake of 9/11. While he did not get to be President, he is now President Trump’s most effective legal warrior. Clearly, special Counsel Robert Mueller has met his match in Rudy. Giuliani overcame prostate cancer, three ex-wives and al Qaeda. He fears nobody and has brilliantly mauled Mueller in the press.
3.) Stephen Miller
Want to join the elite corps of Powerful Bald White Guys? One way to gain power these days: Making your enemies ascribe mythical powers to you. In the prior decade, Karl Rove was the Democrat and media bogeyman. Now, both attack Mr. Miller as Trump’s Svengali. Yet his critics have no idea what he actually does.
For the record, Miller is a senior policy adviser at the White House. While he cannot build a wall all by himself, he is the architect of Trump’s immigration border security policy. Astonishingly, he believes in vigorously enforcing and upholding the rule of law. That makes him a serious threat to Democrat criminals who believe the ends justify the means.
2.) Jeff Solomon
Succeeding the disqualified Lloyd Blankfein, Solomon became the new CEO of Goldman Sachs after taking over the reins of that firm in October 2018. Normally that would automatically make him number one.
But Goldman Sachs faces a serious threat to its traditional perch as the world’s all-powerful global company. Time will tell if Solomon can keep his role as the most shadowy, follicly-challenged figure in the world of high finance.
1.) Jeff Bezos
Move over, Goldman CEOs. The new 800 pounds hairless, on top gorilla of 2018 Powerful Bald White Guys is the CEO of Amazon, Jeff Bezos.
His company, the hydra-headed Amazon.com, may be worth in excess of one trillion dollars as we write this. Soon, Bezos and his Amazonians will be worth one Milli Vanillion dollars. Bezos gets virtually free packaging and shipping services from the United States Post Office while employing virtual slave labor in the United States. President Trump has not been able to prevail against him on this issue.
Worse, the moment his robot armies can actually prepare packages before they ship them, Bezos will not need employees at all. He now even employs drones to send packages. At some point, he will use predator drones to send special deliveries to customers he dislikes.
He knows who all of you are.
He owns the Washington Post, which suppresses any negative stories about him while smearing and slandering President Trump on a daily basis. If Bezos eventually becomes President, he will already possess state-owned media.
For controlling the supply chain, the information chain, and almost everything else, Jeff Bezos is clearly 2018’s Top Powerful Bald White Guy.
— Headline image: PR still for the 1977 Broadway production of “Annie.”
Pictured: Andrea McCardle as Annie and Reid Shelton as “Daddy” Warbucks,
arguably the first of a great many Powerful Bald White Guys.
Public domain, via Wikipedia entry on “Annie.”