SAN ANTONIO, February 20, 2014 — The aftershocks just keep coming. Only days after football player Michael Sam admitted to being black with two first names and no last name, a young actress rocked Hollywood with a bombshell announcement.
26-year-old Ellen Page announced to the world that she is a proud Canadian.
Rumors had been swirling for years that while Miss Page was North American, she was not a United States American. Page was born in Halifax, Nova Scotia, a city not located in any of the 50 states of America. Page was not only born in Canada, but raised there as well.
Page made it clear that she wants to be loved and accepted despite not bleeding red, white and blue. Tensions between America and Canada have been high ever since Canada won the 1992 and 1993 World Series and the 1993 Stanley Cup after some dreadful officiating. Canada’s victory over the United States in the 2002 Olympic Hockey Gold Medal game did not help matters, especially since that game was on American soil at Salt Lake City, Utah.
Although Page’s Canadian heritage was an open secret, Twitter rumors were buzzing due to online pictures of her. Even by Caucasian standards, she is very white. Americans tend to only be eggshell or creme compared to lily-white Canadians.
Page made it clear that she was part of English Canada, and was absolutely not a French Canadian. Normal Canadians tend to find French people as annoying as normal Americans do.Page also stated that despite being a Canadian, she was not boring, and every once in awhile she could be less than exceedingly and unfailingly polite.
Page did not comment when asked if she would try out for the NFL Draft. While the NFL does not have an official ban on Canadian players, Page has never shown much skill passing, running, blocking or tackling. A spokesperson for Boys, Ladies, and Non-Descripts, BLAND, said that Canadians deserve every bit as much love as their Canadian-lite brethren in Wisconsin, Minnesota, Michigan and North Dakota. Toronto people may not officially be from Buffalo, but they could blend in with them, especially during tough winter snowstorms.
Page also made it clear that her coming out as Canadian was not a ploy to get American men to stop hitting on her. She did not comment on whether the movie “Canadian Bacon” and the South Park song “Blame Canada” were cheated out of Academy Awards due to Hollywood anti-Canadian nativism.
Page is said to be resting comfortably after her exhausting announcement, and Hollywood producers and directors vowed to respect Page’s geographical diversity provided Page is a leftist. Page cited her environmental activism, Burma fundraising, and pro-choice abortion position. She was then flooded with more scripts.
TMZ could not confirm or deny rumors that her courage inspired the Bob Seger classic, “There I go, turn the Page.” While Seger wrote the song 14 years before Page was born, he is from Michigan, which is almost Canada.
In a side note, Miss Page is gay, and once filmed a movie with Martha Gay, who is not. She may or may not like the music of the late Marvin Gaye, who definitely was not.