Skip to main content

Hanukkah 2016: The Festival of Lights

Written By | Dec 23, 2016

LOS ANGELES, December 23, 2016 — Tough people last much longer than tough times. For eight nights starting Saturday night, the pain of the world is pushed to the side. Pleasure reigns supreme.

Jewish pride is ready to burst on the scene from Jerusalem to Brooklyn and everywhere a single Hebrew lives. Blue and white stars will form a larger Star of David in the sky. All over the world the songs and dances of joy will be expressed by the People of the Book.

The song of all songs will kick off the festivities.

“Hanukkah oh Hanukkah, come light the Menorah…

“Hanukkah oh Hanukkah, we’ll all dance the Horah…

“Gather around the table, we’ll give you a treat…

“Lots of tasty chocolates and latkes (potato pancakes) to eat…

“Hanukkah oh Hanukkah, come light the Menorah…”

As Christians celebrate their holy day, the Festival of Lights is also upon us. The celebration of the Maccabees is lived from sundown on Saturday until sundown on January 1, 2017. For Jewish football fans, there is a double bonus. The National Football League begins and ends the holiday since the first and last nights of Hanukkah are book-ended by major football games.

For everyone else connected to the Jewish faith, there is more than enough revelry to go around.

Happy Chaka Khan! Time to break out the dreidels (spinning tops) and spin them faster than a politician on a talk show.

Every year brings something different. 2013 brought “Thanksgivingukkah,” as Hanukkah began before Thanksgiving for the first time since 1888. This convergence between Thanksgiving and Hanukkah will not occur again for almost another 78,000 years. 2016 has Hanukkah as late as possible stretching into the new year.

For the linguistically challenged, both spellings of the holiday have eight letters. Adding a “C” requires subtracting a “K.” It is Chanukah or Hanukkah.

Regarding the holiday itself, some myths need to be dispelled. People hear that the Jewish fighters only had enough oil for one day, and miracle of miracles, the oil magically lasted for eight days. This is the warm, fuzzy, sanitized story told to children.

Hanukkah in actuality is the Jewish version of Independence Day July 4. Hanukkah is a neocon holiday. The Jews battled some Greeks and crushed them.

Jewish comedians play on stereotypes of angst-ridden and guilt-ridden Jews fearing their own shadows. Most Jews historically were actually not weak, sniveling crybabies begging our enemies to like us. This battered housewife syndrome characterized by blaming the victim is a relatively new, unpleasant phenomenon.

Real Jewish history has revolved around military strength.

The second coming of Judah Maccabee is Paul Wolfowitz. Actually, the word Maccabee means “hammer,” so perhaps the second coming is Dr. Charles Krauthammer. The lessons of Hanukkah applied perfectly to the Iraq War. If the world had any common sense, the Maccabee method of problem-solving would have been applied to the mullahs in Iran and Bashar Assad in Syria before it was too late. Waterboarding ISIS fighters would not have been a moral concern for the Maccabees. Those Jews fought wars to win them.

Winning wars is why Jews still exist. For those troubled by this: Deal with it.

The actual celebration of Hanukkah is a tad bittersweet for those who are educated about this holiday. Jews won on the battlefield but lost that war.

There was a major difference between how Jews and Greeks celebrated holidays. Greeks celebrated holidays created in the wake of military victories. Jewish tradition eschewed this practice of glorifying blood triumphs.

The Greeks ordered Jews to assimilate or be killed. Jews fought for the right to remain independently Jewish without forced assimilation into Greek culture. After Judah Macabee and his brothers helped the Israelites crush the Greeks in battle, the first thing the Maccabees did was hoist a victory flag and declare this military victory a Jewish holiday.

After fighting for the right to prevent assimilation, Jews adopted a Greek tradition anyway. Assimilation is still deadly to Judaism. Some would argue that what Hitler failed to do to the Jews, Jews do internally through a 52 percent intermarriage rate.

Hanukkah is actually the least important holiday in the Jewish calendar. It is an excuse to party.

Returning to the neocon aspect of this holiday, Hanukkah is a political holiday that the 70 to 80 percent of Jews desperate to sing Kumbaya with those who hate our guts would do well to heed. Hanukkah’s lesson is simple: Force works. There is no dialogue or negotiation with those refusing to recognize your right to exist. Survival is not pretty. It often involves spilling large amounts of blood. Collateral damage is unfortunate but must not ever be a deterrent.

The other Maccabean Era lesson is mercy. Jews did not rape Greek women, chop heads and limbs off, enslave anyone or indiscriminately engage in deliberate cruelty. We Jews defended ourselves. In keeping with values that unite Jews and Americans to this day, both remain good people using power for noble purposes. America, through economic and military power, and Jews through their sense of justice, help feed, clothe, protect and defend others worldwide, many of whom are neither Jewish nor American.

Hanukkah 2016 comes at a time of great external and internal threats to the Jewish people. Iran has been given the green light to build nuclear bombs. The outgoing American president seems determined to confuse weakness and appeasement with meaningful dialogue and diplomacy in allowing Iran to go nuclear. Far too many politically liberal Jews seem determined to trust him to the bitter end as they cast empirical evidence aside.

Perhaps that’s because Internally, in addition to the intermarriage rate, Jews are secular in alarming numbers. Far too many atheists and agnostics abandon their Jewish identity.

The only good news is that the majority of Jews having children are religious. Secular Jews are fighting for abortions, gay marriages and other practices that prevent breeding while religious Jews breed as much as possible. A century from now, the Jewish community could very well be more religious with a far stronger sense of Jewish identity and pride. A couple of centuries ago, all Jews were Orthodox.

So as candles are lit and hope springs eternal that a certain young Republican Jewish brunette shows up at my door wearing only strategically placed Hanukkah bows, there is much joy to look forward to over the next eight nights.

Happy Hanukkah everybody! Shalom!

Eric Golub

Brooklyn born, Long Island raised and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS blog. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”