PHOENIX, May 9, 2016 – The Office of Justice Programs, a division within the Justice Department, recently announced that it would no longer use terms such as “felons” or “convicts” to describe, well, felons and convicts.
Henceforth, convicts and felons will instead be referred to in less disparaging, much more euphemistical terms such as “person who committed a crime” or “individual who was incarcerated.”
To do otherwise would be to stigmatize someone who was convicted of committing a crime. And we do not want to hurt the feelings of criminals. I mean, what did they really do, other than break the law? That’s not so bad, especially since the Obama administration doesn’t seem to really follow many of them. And no one wants to stigmatize the Obama Administration, especially the media.
According to Fox News, an 80 year-old great-grandma from Sultan, Washington recently shot and killed a home intruder who beat her husband with a crowbar and then stabbed him with a knife. The great-grandma clearly saved the home invader from the terrible stigma of one day being referred to as a felon or convict. That stigmatizing effect would certainly have been much worse than, well, being dead.
The Office of Justice Programs is off to a good start, but it clearly it didn’t go far enough. Here are some other less stigmatizing terms we can expect the OJP and other federal agencies to implement soon.
Ex-con: Person who, through no fault of his or her own, was unjustly apprehended by law enforcement and incarcerated in the systemically racist criminal justice system.
Prison: Hostel for persons who, through no fault of their own, were unjustly apprehended by law enforcement and incarcerated in the systemically racist criminal justice system.
Home Invader: Interior designer
Crime Victim: Individual who should not have been where he/she was, doing what he/she should not have been doing that enticed another person to commit a crime.
Burglar: Shrewd negotiator
Thief: One who effects a transfer of wealth
Murderer: Existence terminator
Terrorist: Conservative Republican
Islamic Terrorist: Ha, funny! There’s no such thing.
Lone Wolf Terrorist: College Republican
College Republican: Ha, funny! There’s no such thing.
Okay, so maybe some of these aren’t exactly less stigmatizing but let me suggest a few of my own:
Hillary Clinton: Person who committed crimes but has somehow managed to escape incarceration.
Obamacare Enrollee: Sucker
Republican Party: The party formerly known as…
Democratic Party: Institution for the Comically Insane
Office of Justice Programs: Institution for the Euphemistically Criminal
It was a busy week for the Department of Justice. Besides dealing with what to call convicts and felons, the DOJ also threatened North Carolina over its recently passed transgender bathroom law.
The North Carolina law requires transgender people to use the restroom that corresponds with the sex on their birth certificate. Somehow, according to the DOJ, this is discriminatory and violates Title VII and Title IX of the Civil Rights Act and possibly baseball’s Infield Fly Rule.
One wouldn’t want to stigmatize any man that dresses as a woman and wants to use the restroom of some other sex than his own. One used to be able to use the term “opposite sex,” but given the number of sexes there are these days, that term no longer applies.
Perhaps the real concern of the DOJ is that a transgender person could end up breaking the North Carolina bathroom law and then be called a felon or a convict. Just think of the stigma!