MINNEAPOLIS, August 15, 2014 — This column was originally written on September 14th, 2010, a great day in American history. On that day, “The Expendables” arrived.
The column was updated on August 17, 2012 to reflect the arrival of the sequel. In a world where men have been feminized to the point of extinction, today could be the day where the tide turns. Expendables 3 is now a reality.
Today is Testosterone Alpha Male Friday.
This is a fabulous day for a certain Hebrew Alpha Male. It should be heaven for alpha males everywhere. This brings us to Testosterone Alpha Male Friday.
The day right before Rosh Hashanah 2010 brought “The Expendables.”
Thank the heavens for this movie. Sometimes it is time for alpha males to go watch people in the movies just blow (redacted) up.
Why? Because it’s cool.
Not since Judge Dredd and Over the Top has Stallone been this cool.
(Great scene 1 from Judge Dredd: (Stallone) ”It’s impossible! The evidence has been falsified! I never broke the law! I am the law!
Great scene 2 from Judge Dredd: (Bad guy Armand Assante after killing his political rivals) ”Now who says politics is boring.”
Over the Top had the best tough guy character name in Lincoln Hawk. Truckers slapping each other in the face to get pumped up before arm wrestling is as good as it gets.)
In The Expendables, Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jet Li, Micky Rourke, and Dolph Lundgren (as much fun to say as it is to watch) all played a role in either exacerbating or reducing problems through carnage.
While this movie was totally apolitical, Phil Donahue and other liberal sissy beta males were nowhere to be found. Nobody sang Kumbaya in this movie.
When watching the Expendables, the tough Jews pictured the bad guys as the Hamas and Hezbollah Palestinians. For a moment it looked like Ariel Sharon burning down their Gaza hideouts. It was a beautiful way to lead into Rosh Hashanah. Now Ariel Sharon is the Prime Minister, but sequels often replace characters.
In The Expendables 2, Stallone and his crew took down everyone but the mullhas in Iran.
Now comes The Expendables 3, known to the coolest of people simply as EX3.
What is the plot? It does not matter. Some movies are so great that they do not even need a plot. This is a movie for guys. Plots for deceased people in funeral homes.
While The Expendables could take down Palestinian terrorists, imagine how great life could be if the few Hollywood stars who are not completely worthless took down the rest of Hollywood.
Not since Ken Wahl of Wiseguy fame played a guy named Boomer in The Taking of Beverly Hills has an opportunity to wreak glorious havoc on the worst elements of American culture been so tantalizingly close.
First the Expendables should invade an area even more corrupt and dangerous than the Middle East or South America.
That’s right, they should launch an attack from Middle America and take down Chicago and Detroit until it is safe for inhabitants to live there.
Schwarzenegger was a failed governor of California because he failed to crack down on crime, as Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan remained free. He could redeem himself by taking down every celebrity to the left of Jon Voight.
Kiefer Sutherland as Jack Bauer was not in the movie, but no movie is perfect. While Guns n Roses was in the soundtrack (Schwarzenegger is a fan), not one of the characters smashed any Barbra Streisand or Cheryl Crow records. Again, no movie is perfect.
So for those who want to attack this glorious trilogy as simplistic, jingoistic, chest thumping, then summon Jack Nicholson as Colonel Nathan R. Jessup. “You’re damn right is is!”
We are all expendable. Yet for one hour and forty minutes, the complexities of life are boiled down to simple principles that Neocons understand.
Take the bad guys, blow (stuff) up, and shove the American flag up their hide until they go to the toilet red, white, and blue. Then pull their trousers down, and either hang the flag from their blankety-blanks or take a cattle prod and brand a tattoo of Uncle Sam on their hides.
To paraphrase a famous NFL quarterback after a Super Bowl loss, we need to take the bad guys and hand them their hides on a platter and make sure the tray is bent.
Not a single United Nations diplomat was blown to kingdom come. For the last time, no movie is perfect. Other than that, for a brief window of time, the wussification of America was suspended.
Testosterone overload has me ready to wrestle a live bull right now. Then again, the animal rights activists would bother me. So instead, with all due respect to the Chick-fil-A people, every man in America today should eat a dead cow after violently hitting a bottle of blood until it pours all over the steak. The blood will resemble ketchup. For those not willing to use actual blood, use actual ketchup. It tastes good.
For those worrying about the alpha male crash after the high, don’t worry. With Mel Gibson replacing Bruce Willis and Kelsey Grammar added to the cast, the high is expected to last much longer than an average alpha male bender.
For now … Long live the Expendables!
EX3 is here!
All hail Testosterone Alpha Male Friday!