APPLETON, WI: If you think the world has gone mad, then cockroach milk is here to confirm your suspicions. That’s right, you read that correctly. You are not suffering from a mental lapse. Cockroach milk. It’s hyped to be the next super food, full of more protein than cow’s milk. If you are like me, then this is the point in life where you reflect on your place in the universe.
Bugs! Bugs in our food, and not by accident. No. No. And No. That’s the end for me. If bugs become an environmentally friendly, fat-free food source, then one of the core tenets of my existence is obsolete. I have built a life on the principle of bugs being icky. It’s part of my fabric. No amount of fat shaming or earth-loving green tyranny will change that.
If this becomes a reality, what will it mean for our relationship with bugs? Will exterminators go out of business? If your house gets overrun with ants will it suddenly be like when your bananas go bad? Do you make bread?
If your kid comes home with lice will you say, “Good for you! Now you have your after-school snack. And kudos to you, kiddo. You are self-sustaining.”?
Cockroach Milk How?
And how will the milk be made? Will cockroach butter and cockroach ice cream be far behind? Will it not be ice cream because it’s not milk? Or are they milking these roaches with tiny little pumps?
Or, just gross speculation here, with an emphasis on gross, are they mashed up into a fine paste? Is their poop part of the paste, or how do you keep the poop out of the product?
Then again, perhaps feces is a trifle when, after all, you are eating cockroaches.
What is outside the social parameters now? What is unfit to eat? Will all social taboos dissolve under the buckling pressure of healthy fats and global warming?
I think bug eating will change us as a people. And I guess I’d rather be dead, than eat a roach.