Chris Pratt pens perfect ‘Jurassic World’ tour pre-apology

Actor issues hilarious pre-emptive strike against PC police, pre-apologizing on Facebook for things he has yet to say during upcoming film’s PR tour.

Actor Chris Pratt
Actor Chris Pratt during last year's promotional tour for the hit film "Guardians of the Galaxy." (Image via Wikipedia)

WASHINGTON, May 23, 2015 – Chris Pratt is a character. Following his career arc from his somewhat low-key start on TV’s “Parks and Recreation” where he evolved into a popular character, to his early work in films, to his breakthrough starring role in last summer’s smash-hit film “Guardians of the Galaxy,” you get the feeling an ambitious guy like this didn’t get where he got by being a wallflower. And he’s not.

Example: Pratt likes shoot stuff when he’s relaxing off-camera. Though he’ll take on clay pigeons, he admits he “likes to shoot varmints,” according to 2014 piece in the Daily Caller.

Better yet, he likes to kill marauding coyotes. In a 2014 GQ interview, he explains quite succinctly why that is: “Coyotes are assholes, and they’ll eat your dog.”

We’re not sure what political views this straight arrow, gun-toting actor holds. But an entry he posted a few hours ago on his Facebook page gives us a clue that he’s not exactly a fan of those ever-present PC Thought Police.

About to embark on a publicity tour to help promote his upcoming star vehicle, “Jurassic World,” it seems the straight-shooting Pratt decided to inoculate himself in advance, just in case his ad lib comments accidentally go off the PC reservation, outraging media scolds and frightening to death the growing legion of Snowflakes terrified of “triggers” and “micro-aggressions.”

Or maybe he’s making fun of all of them. You decide.

I want to make a heartfelt apology for whatever it is I end up accidentally saying during the forthcoming ‪#‎JurassicWorld press tour. I hope you understand it was never my intention to offend anyone and I am truly sorry. I swear. I’m the nicest guy in the world. And I fully regret what I (accidentally will have) said in (the upcoming foreign and domestic) interview(s).

I am not in the business of making excuses. I am just dumb. Plain and simple. I try. I REALLY try! When I do (potentially) commit the offensive act for which I am now (pre) apologizing you must understand I (will likely have been) tired and exhausted when I (potentially) said that thing I (will have had) said that (will have had) crossed the line. Those rooms can get stuffy and the hardworking crews putting these junkets together need some entertainment! (Likely) that is who I was trying to crack up when I (will have had) made that tasteless and unprofessional comment. Trust me. I know you can’t say that anymore. In fact in my opinion it was never right to say the thing I definitely don’t want to but probably will have said. To those I (will have) offended please understand how truly sorry I already am. I am fully aware that the subject matter of my imminent forthcoming mistake, a blunder (possibly to be) dubbed “JurassicGate” is (most likely) in no way a laughing matter. To those I (will likely have had) offended rest assured I will do everything in my power to make sure this doesn’t happen (again).

This is the finest, most tightly written bit of satire I’ve read since since encountering the brilliant work of Jonathan Swift, some time back in, well, the Jurassic Age.

Keep it real, dude. And yeah, we’ll go see “Jurassic World.” For sure.


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