LOS ANGELES, February 17, 2015 — Jon Stewart’s announcement that he was stepping down as the host of the Daily Show set off rounds of glowing tributes on the left. Liberal media outlets praised him for speaking truth to power. The real truth is far more powerful.
Stewart stepped down to avoid being pushed out. His numbers were softening. Millennials were starting to abandon him for the new cool kid on the block, Jimmy Fallon. Even the great Johnny Carson was forced out, and Stewart is no Carson.
By leaving just in time, Stewart avoided the fate of personalities who hang on long after their act has worn thin.
Stewart’s real legacy is a troublesome one. He actively exacerbated the politics of personal destruction. No shot was too cheap, no comment was too vicious, and no selective editing of tapes was too unfair. He would launch into nasty tirades against Republicans and conservatives, demonizing them at every turn. When told that his comments were false, he would fall back on his traditional crutch that he was just a comedian doing fake news.
This insincere refrain allowed him to be loved by liberal journalists. They wanted to say what he said and act the way he acted. Their titles as traditional journalists required more subtlety than tossing out profane remarks against critics.
Stewart’s most harmful contribution came in the dumbing down of his young viewers. Millennials who truly looked to Stewart as a legitimate news source will one day wake up and realize a sad truth that many young people learn far too late.
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They are complete imbeciles. Stewart was the Pied Piper of Nothingness, and his hollow lemmings swallowed his shallowness whole and claimed themselves all-knowing oracles of substance.
When Stewart leaves, who will reprogram these airheads who speak without thinking and brag without knowing?
For the Stewart Millennials, it will take years to undo the damage of the twin drugs of ego and snobbery. Now is as good a time as ever for ever for a reality show called Detoxification Nation. Here are some truths, facts and lessons for those determined not to surpass the Baby Boomers as the worst generation.
1.) Stop taking “selfies” and “ussies” until you have accomplished anything in life. Celebrating your mere being is not the same as doing something. Doing something is not good enough. It has to be something useful and it must be done right. If you truly merit the attention, somebody else will take your picture.
2.) Shut up about climate change. Outside of over-privileged white liberals, nobody cares about it. Radical Islam matters more than junk science funded through corruption. Normal people care that the world is burning, not that the globe is warming. What matters is that Islamists are burning human beings alive and reducing them to carbon, not that Americans burn fossil fuels and leave a carbon footprint.
3.) Do not refer to authority figures as “Dude,” “Bro,” or any other slang. Learn how to call people “sir” and “ma’am.” Respect people’s time. Do not ever text during a job interview. Dress immaculately and professionally. Speak proper English.
4.) Do not say that President George W. Bush lied about the Iraq War until you learn what it means to tell a lie. Millennials were not even teenagers in 2003. Reminiscing about experiences you never had in 2003 is about as sensible as reminiscing about the 1960s. If you believed those days were better, cancel your social media accounts. Nobody cares about your trips to the mall anyway. For those willing to learn, Bush told the truth, Saddam had WMD, and they are most likely hidden in Syria right now. Sometimes war absolutely is the answer. The Iraq War was the right war at the right time with the right president. Only a fake news host would base his entire career on insisting otherwise.
5.) People you disagree with deserve dignity and respect. Be open-minded, not ideological automatons. Do not praise your individualism when you look, talk, and act like every other person around you in your age bracket.
6.) Stop turning everything into an acronym. Acronyms are for lazy people. Write out words. No boss will read a business report with “LOL” or “OMG” in it.
7.) Stop protesting. The 1960s protesters are still under the illusion that they stood for something. Many of them just wanted to cut class and get stoned. Nothing has changed. If you need to be lazy and do drugs, be honest and admit it. Do not pretend you are skipping class for some social good.
8.) Do not be a walking cliche of stupidity and shallow thinking. Do not tell someone to “check their privilege” unless you are willing to give up everything from your cell-phone to your automobile. Just because you are over-privileged does not mean other people should give up their luxuries that they actually earned. Do not chant, “Yes, we can” when you have no idea what that even means. What can you? If you don’t know, then you can’t, won’t and shouldn’t. Shouting “This is what democracy looks like” is not democracy. It is obnoxiousness. When you disturb the peace through noise pollution, you interfere with the freedom of those who wish to be left alone.
9.) Learn a trade. People with skills who actually know how to do things are always in demand. The world will survive just fine without college professors teaching Bisexual Afro-American grievance studies. Learn how to become plumbers, carpenters and electricians. They are useful and do not go into debt to do their jobs.
10.) Resorting to school playground rankout contests is not the same as having an intelligent political discussion. The goal is to make the world a better place, not to humiliate innocent people for debate points. Do not be smug, arrogant, pompous or any other qualities that you confuse with being funny. Humility is an admirable quality. Be polite. Listen. Learn.
11.) Recognize your own irrelevance. You may go on to do great things, but you have not done them yet. Respect your elders. They have actually lived life.
12.) Stop being activists. Keep quiet about animal rights and enjoy a hamburger. Mentioning the word equality or justice in every sentence is a waste of breathable air. People are inherently unequal and life is cruelly unjust. If you want to give up your worldly possessions and live in a mud hut, do it. Do not demand that the rest of us give up our air conditioning, gas-guzzling automobiles or other luxuries. We earned them. Mind your own business.
13.) Guns are good and Priuses are hideous. If you are too stupid to understand why Americans own guns, be quiet and do not own one yourself. Announce to the world you do not own one so the criminals know which homes to target. The Prius is a hideously ugly car. If you want to drive an ugly duckling car, that is your right. The rest of us will stick with our sports cars and monster trucks.
14.) Wipe the smirk off your face. You haven’t lived long enough to know anything.
15.) The American way of life is superior to savage barbarians cutting off heads. In America, the military and the police are the good guys. The criminals and the terrorists are the bad guys. Israel are the good guys. Be smart enough to realize that many attacks on the world’s only Jewish state are specifically motivated by Jew-hatred. If you want to divest from America and all Western-style democracies, deport yourself. Divest yourself. Leave. Live in Saudi Arabia until you realize how fantastic America and its Middle East imitation Israel are.
16.) Go to your church, synagogue or other place of worship from time to time. If you are not willing to believe in God, at least stop acting like you are the all-knowing God. Some people abuse religion, but that does invalidate religion. Respect that some people benefit from religion. Zealots come in all forms, and that includes atheists, secularists, environmentalists, and other activists.
There are plenty of other lessons that will be necessary before Jon Stewart Millennials can be converted into normal, productive human beings. After over 15 years of him teaching kids that real Americans were “so unhip and uncool, man,” for now productive America should just be glad Stewart is leaving the stage. Now at least there is a chance to repair the damage he left behind, provided that the kids are not too stoned to rediscover the lucid world the rest of us inhabit.