WASHINGTON: As Adam Schiff opened the final day of impeachment testimony, he thanked the minority party, the day’s witnesses and a country that wants politicians to take care of all basic needs. He expressed confidence that the trail to impeachment would crush President Trump, ending his chance for a second term.
Nancy Pelosi commented that:
“This removes the voter from the election process. And even proves that we can eliminate the act of voting as a basic need. Unless it does the opposite.”
Schiff expressed sureness that voters will come to several unanimous conclusions by the end of the day. Namely that the majority members provided solid proof that Trump says mean things and is orange. Schiff noted another obvious conclusion.
“The committee has relieved an already overburdened citizenry of its voting obligation.”
His confidence was now peaking as evident by the dramatic reduction in his blink rate and eye bulging.
Schiff continues with:
“The country should not place the strain of voting on working-class people, living or dead. We want to free all citizens from their November 2020 election day drudgery for new pursuits”.
To fill the resulting abundance of free time, Schiff suggested memorizing Mao Zedong poetry, identifying crimes against the establishment, or improving on Venezuelan recipes that have road-kill tree bark, and used socks as the only ingredients.
The committee managed the final testimonies as during the previous days.
Each minority committee member was required to bang their head on the dais three times prior to each five-minute session, precede each question with “by the power given through the committee chair”, and replenish the majority’s stock of peeled grapes during intermissions.
Following the final witness’ testimony, Schiff concluded the House open hearings.
“I’d like to thank everyone who participated during these House Committee on Circus Act Strategy hearings. We all recognize that our citizenry remains too dumb, destitute, dependent and/or deplorable to live without the government as a surrogate parent. Therefore, we next take on John and Jane Q. Public’s burden of food chewing.”
Schiff blinked that last statement in Morse code.