PHOENIX, April 12, 2016 — President Obama is not taking his last year in office lying down. That, after all, is Joe Biden’s responsibility.
The Obama administration recently released a new final report on climate change. “Final” as in the science is, once again, settled. “Final” as in don’t disagree or we’ll sue the will to resist out of you. We know the RICO laws and if those laws can keep the Gambino crime family quiet, we can shut you up, too.
And if you’re a climate change denier, you can’t even escape to the Virgin Islands. The attorney general there will be all over you like Al Gore on carbon credits.
The Administration report, entitled “The Impacts of Climate Change on Human Health in the United States: A Scientific Assessment,” claims it “significantly advances what we know about the impacts of climate change on public health, and the confidence with which we know it.” And just in case it doesn’t, it doesn’t matter. Don’t forget about those RICO statutes, if you catch our drift.
Reportedly copies of the new report can be found at your local library. In the science (fiction) section.
Those federal agencies that contributed to the report include:
- Environmental Protection Agency (EPA)—You had to know these tyrants would be lurking around and up to no good.
- Department of Health and Human Services (HHS)—If you loved the Obamacare roll out, you’ll be thrilled with this agency’s contribution to any report on climate change.
- National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA)—It’s the job of the NOAA to warn us about dangerous weather. In keeping with the Obama administration’s views on climate change, it has issued a warning for the next 85 years. Duck!
- National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA)—Apparently, to assist with this report, NASA was able to take some time away from its primary mission: Muslim outreach.
- Department of Agriculture (USDA)—The USDA is in charge of food stamps. If climate change means every American will become a food stamp recipient, then should believe that maybe climate change isn’t all that bad.
- U.S. Geological Survey (USGS)—The motto of the USGS is “Science for a changing world.” I wasn’t aware that Federal agencies needed a motto, but so be it. I believe its previous motto was “Rocks are people too.”
- Department of Defense (DOD)—Defeating Islamic terrorism isn’t taking up a lot of DOD’s time, so its calendar was pretty open to contribute time and manpower to this report.
- Department of Veterans Affairs (VA)—The VA believes it can manage the climate just as efficiently as it manages health care for veterans.
Missing as a contributor to the report was the Internal Revenue Service, although we have it on good authority that the agency will play a very prominent role in the next really new final-final—and we really mean it this time—final report on climate change. It will be dubbed the Lois Lerner Edition.
Like all official reports on climate change, this one was not shy of predicting dire consequences for us all if the report’s advice is not heeded. For instance, the report claims that extreme heat will lead to an increase in premature deaths. It states that one model predicts an additional 11,000 deaths during the summer of 2030 and an additional 27,000 deaths during the summer of 2100.
So, if you’ve got that vacation to Disney World planned for 2030, go in April rather than July, just to be safe. And don’t even think about going in 2100. Orlando, including Epcot Center, will be below sea level by then.
Climate change models have so far proven to be as reliable as political promises during campaign season, something the current report fails to mention for some reason. The report claims that climate change will have the largest health impact on “vulnerable populations including those with low incomes, some communities of color, limited English proficiency and immigrant groups, Indigenous peoples, children, pregnant women, older adults, vulnerable occupational groups, persons with disabilities, and persons with preexisting or chronic medical conditions.”
We refer to those people as the Democratic base. Somehow overlooked was the LGBT community. That slight is sure to be remedied soon.
The report blames climate change for a litany of mental health problems, ranging from post-traumatic stress symptoms to suicidal tendencies. It is unclear whether the statement “Damn, it’s hot, I need another beer,” falls under anxiety, depression or suicidal thoughts.
The Obama administration announced a number of actions to meet the challenges of climate change. For example, HHS updated the “Sustainable and Climate Resilient Health Care Facilities Toolkit.” Stop laughing. I’m not kidding. What would climate change be without a toolkit? The phrase “If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor—even if it’s really hot (summers of 2030 and 2100 not included)” was added.
However, the biggest and most exciting news is that May 23-27 has now been officially designated as Extreme Heat Week. Lots of fun and exciting activities are planned, including shutting down the nation’s power grid. As Senate Republicans still refuse to hold hearings on Obama’s Supreme Court nominee, the week will culminate in the president’s taking a blow torch to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. Extreme heat indeed.
This new final report on climate change—well, it sure sounds like fun. So, party hearty during Extreme Heat Week and beyond, at least until the summer of 2030. After that, all bets are off.