WASHINGTON, December 25, 2014 – Families know that holidays are different from daily life: the food, the presents, the crèche, the menorah, the piñata, lots of people and parties, and whatever else your family does that makes these days special heighten everyone’s emotions.
But if everything is supposed to be wonderful, why on earth do we get scenes like this?
Adult to child at family party: “Behave yourself.”
Translation: “Silence, Whippersnapper!” or “Step back, kid, you bother me.”
If the truth be told, people are often expected to be better behaved during special events than they are in normal life. That includes knowing two things: what the rules of the event are, and how to be nice to each other under atypical conditions that sometimes include an unaccustomed forced togetherness.
Learning the rules for celebrating an event is not something that’s hard to master. After all, there are instructions out there for everything from how to hire a caterer to how to hold your fork. But being nice to each other can hard to do if you’re not used to it or you don’t know how during ordinary times. We’ll try to help.
We’ve observed that the essence of family politeness isn’t just whether the kids act up in public or not. How we talk to each other—civility in family conversation—receives far less attention than etiquette—correctness in public conversation. Yet providing good examples can often help the kids do likewise.
So, in the Christmas and New Year’s holiday spirit, here are our top ten tips for family graciousness and good behavior (and resulting peace and happiness) that focus on developing good manners even in the midst of the madding crowd.
How to treat your family as well as you treat your guests
- Please, thank you, you’re welcome, excuse me. Duh! But guess what? This vocabulary applies to everyone—adults, teens—and anyone old enough to say, “I want (fill in the blank.)” When you want something, make a request, not a demand, except for emergencies. “I would prefer” and “Do you mind if” take tenths of a second more than “I want.”
- Conversation openers the whole family can use:
Tell me …
Show me ….
(Then wait for response.)
- Tone of Voice. Hey, everybody! When you’re talking about your accomplishments, use fact, not brag. Others need your attention as much as you need theirs, so take time to ask questions and wait for the answers. Let others know if it’s hard to listen: “I can’t hear you when you’re whining.” Don’t yell or call each other names. This includes grownups.
- When angry or annoyed, give the reason and request a different action. Avoid the accusative case: You always, You never. Also avoid the better-than-thou case: I always, I never. (Especially useful for grown-ups who are feeling a little edgy with each other.)
- Don’t seek approval in non-negotiable situations. This applies to both children and adults. Adult example: “It’s time to go to bed, okay?” Child example: “Please please please please please can I stay up?” It’s tough to be firm in times like this, but you have to, even at the risk of histrionic tears. As the American Ambassador said in Peter Ustinov’s comic drama “Romanoff and Juliet,” “Be gentle. But don’t forget to be real tough.” You get the picture.
- No swearing. If you’re celebrating God (or someone else’s holiday about God), or even if you just sort of care about the idea of God, it’s illogical to use Him for cursing.
- A Beginner’s Guide to Tact. Older children can be taught how to “reserve judgment.” But first, adults need to recall what it means.
- Attitude trumps activities. Some people need a little quiet time, and that’s okay, as long as it’s for recharging, not sulking. Activities that isolate an individual from the group need to be performed away from the group. These activities can include reading, meditating, talking and texting on cell phones, playing one-person-only video games, and going to the bathroom. Come back soon. We miss you.
- “Don’t interrupt when someone else is talking.” Ignore this rule. If you take that seriously in this society, you’ll spend your life remaining silent. Rather than not speaking at all, learn how to interrupt graciously and adroitly. “Oh really?” is a good start.
- Have a dress rehearsal a day or two ahead of party time at your own home, especially if you and your family members normally aren’t that nice to each other. Practice items 1-9. Practice introductions, hellos, and good-byes. Practice giving and receiving real compliments. Teach each other how to make eye contact. This means everybody.
To avoid dress rehearsals or the standard advance threats, like “You better behave!” “You better not (fill in the blank), etc.,” start doing steps 1-9 right away, every day.
If these 10 tips seem unnatural or too hard to do …
… let’s go down memory lane and take a look at how family conversation used to be:
“Do not let children be brought to the table until they are able to feed themselves, first with a spoon and next with a fork, and not then, unless they can be depended on to keep quiet and not talk. The chattering of children all dinner-time is a great annoyance to grown people. The shrill voice of a child can be distinguished annoyingly amid those of a whole company. They should be made to understand that if they talk at table they are to be immediately taken away” (“Family Etiquette,” by S. O. Beeton, 1876, p. 98).
So ask your kids what they did today, and listen to the answer. Then tell them what you did. It’s a start.
Frances Ponick’s book, Only Angels Can Wing It: How to Prepare a Eulogy Quickly and Present It Compassionately, is available in paperback from the author and is now available at Amazon.com. She coaches written and verbal communications and is the writer’s block expert at AllExperts. Feel free to ask questions there, or connect with Frances at Twitter, Facebook, and/or LinkedIn.