SATIRE: Talking points that rescue Hillary from Email scandal

SATIRE: Talking points that rescue Hillary from Email scandal

SAN DIEGO, March 13, 2015 — Are you a Hillary supporter? Are you frustrated to see your favorite candidate accused of yet another scandal? Are you afraid that even fellow Democrats may abandon one who just a few weeks ago looked like a sure winner? Well, be of good cheer! Below are some handy dandy talking points that will help Hillary surrogates (and Hillary herself for that matter) deflect all doubts or insinuations regarding her State Department email exchanges on her own personal server.

To help you remember the talking points better, each idea begins with a simple word of two. Let’s begin:

Bill Clinton: Whenever the subject of email comes up, quickly point out that one of the reasons Hillary is less than forthcoming about her email is that she received a few emails from her husband Bill. Don’t even consider the possibility that he may have emailed her by mistake, thinking it was another woman. Even if true, that would not be Hillary’s fault. It was still a private email and nobody else’s business.

Read Also: Hillary Clinton: Angry, defiant and unapologetic

Elizabeth Warren is also an important name, the woman who many think will step in as the Democratic 2016 candidate if Hillary backs out of the race. Since Elizabeth would not be riding the coattails of a former popular president with whom she co-habited in the White House as First Lady, it might be smart to simply use Elizabeth’s name as a reminder of somebody who could lose and therefore we must throw all our eggs into the basket that’s a sure winner, Basket Hillary. We must keep Hillary at all costs. This little email hiccup will go away. In a couple of months, she can imitate Obama and say, “Are people still talking about this? It’s old news! Time to move on.”

Nuanced: This is an important word, and it could serve to acquit Hillary in the eyes of public opinion. The Obama administration uses the word a lot, such as when it explains that only a nuanced person would understand its strategy about defeating ISIS by creating jobs. Hillary supporters should follow Obama’s example. Remember, Republicans are the simple-minded. Democrats are “nuanced.” That means they accept the grayer areas of life. They appreciate the complexities of situations. It is too simple-minded to assume that the reason Hillary won’t turn over her emails is that she has something to cover up. It’s far more likely that she had detailed, personal reasons such as discussions of Chelsea’s wedding or conversations with her nurturing husband Bill. And, of course, there’s also her nuanced explanation of why she kept State Department emails on a private server in the first place. This explanation is gold! Hillary was concerned about the inconvenience of having to use more than one computer device.

One caution, however: When conservatives claim complex reasons for rejecting Hillary as a presidential candidate, offering multiple concerns such as her position on abortion, wealth redistribution, health care, foreign policy, etc…. well …That is another matter altogether! Here we must reject “nuance” and accept the simple truth that people object to Hillary because she is a woman, period!

Galvanize: Next to President Obama himself, nobody can galvanize the base like Hillary. Remind people of this if they want to concern themselves with unimportant matters such as email. We need her to sound the alarm and pit rich against poor, male against female, legal immigrants against illegal immigrants, minorities against whites or same-sex marriage verses traditional marriage. Never mind right against wrong. That takes a bit more thought than we want our voters to engage in.

Hillary: Of course, Mrs. Clinton’s very own first name can also be a tremendous asset. That’s because people respond to pleasant sounds more than actual ideas. And so, another great distraction is to repeat the word “Hillary” and refrain from the term “email” as often as possible. Repeat her name like a mantra, much like the way people in 2008 started mistaking the word “Obama” for the word “Messiah.” Catching on? Get people to fall in love with the very sound of Hillary’s name! And should they talk as if they prefer a different-sounding name, just remind them of how Megan Kelly on Fox News accidentally introduced Governor Mike Huckabee. That could happen to a Democrat too if we aren’t careful about vetting names. Double entendre will not be a concern with Hillary. There is no chance of Hillary’s name getting mispronounced with disgrace. Worst case scenario, somebody accidentally says “Fillary.” No harm real harm will be done.

Amnesia: This is a very important word for skilled politicians. Should Hillary be brought before some committee and asked point-blank what happened to her missing emails, she should say that she doesn’t recall. They were so unimportant that she simply can’t remember why they were deleted or even how they were deleted if that ends up sounding better.

Read Also: Hillary Clinton re-ignites the Clinton firestorms we know so well

Zoo: At first glance, this may look like an unusual word for our purposes. But if all else fails, Hillary could change the subject and introduce some new project to excite certain lobbyists. One idea is to court animal rights activists by suggesting that perhaps zoos should be either outlawed or subjected to the same scrutiny as prison reform.

Independent Voters: Remember, reaching out to the base only secures the nomination. For victory in the election itself we have to win over those “independents” who end up breaking the tie between Democrats and Republicans. Mind you, it is only a certain kind of independent whom we seek. Forget about those who truly think independently. We don’t need people who see through lies or pea-brain slogans. Instead, we must court people who decide the winners of debates based upon who smiled more and who cast their ballots for the underdog because… well…because it’s good to support the underdog! And so, if Hillary is made to look like an underdog, a poor victim being picked on for not releasing her emails….all the better.

OK. Let’s review by listing our carefully chosen words. But be careful. Some of those mean and nasty Republicans might view this list as an acrostic and attempt to find Hillary’s hidden reason for denying access to her emails.

Bill Clinton
Elizabeth Warren
Independent Voters

This is Bob Siegel, making the obvious, obvious.
Bob Siegel is a weekend radio talk show host on KCBQ and columnist. Details of his show can be found at

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Bob Siegel
A graduate of Denver Seminary and San Jose State University, Bob Siegel is a radio talk show host and popular guest speaker at churches and college campuses across the country, using a variety of media including, seminars, formal debates, outdoor open forums, and one man drama presentations. In addition to his own weekly radio show (KCBQ 1170, San Diego) Bob has been a guest on many other programs, including The 700 Club, Washington Times Radio's Inside the Story, The Rick Amato Show, KUSI Television's Good Morning San Diego, and the world popular Jonathan Parkradio drama series, for which Bob guest starred in two episodes and wrote one episode, The Clue From Ninevah. In addition to CDN, Bob is a regular contributor for San Diego Rostra. Bob does a good deal of playwriting as well (14 plays & 5 collaborations), including the award winning, Eternal Reach. Bob has also published books of both fiction and non-fiction including; I'd Like to Believe In Jesus, But...and a fantasy novel, The Dangerous Christmas Ornament.