Forget millions: Maybe Obamacare has ‘billions’ of new enrollees

Forget millions: Maybe Obamacare has ‘billions’ of new enrollees

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6 Billion Served!
6 Billion Served!

LOS ANGELES, April 1, 2014 — With the Affordable Care Act deadline that is not really a deadline in the rearview mirror, President Obama and his administration were crowing over six million Obamacare enrollees. The target was seven million and the fear was four million.

Six million means that the Obama administration failed less than expected, which in their world is success.

This is before pointing out that they have turned the very meaning of the word “enrolled” on its head. Obama can tell us how many people went online and perhaps selected a plan, but claims not to know how many people have actually completed the transaction by paying a premium.

Obama obsesses over metrics more than any human being alive not named Nate Silver. When numbers favor Obama, he immediately releases them. When the numbers are bad, he feigns ignorance.

So in the spirit of meaningless numbers thrown around, it is time for Obama to just get it over with and make the story far more impressive.

Forget millions. Let’s talk billions.

Obamacare now has six billion enrollees. Six out of every seven people on planet earth are enrolled.

So how did Obama achieve this fantastic feat?

Organizing For America went on Facebook and created a new group called “Obamacare enrollees.” They then added every single Facebook user to the group without their permission.

While this only allowed them to reach one-billon enrollees, Twitter came next. Each Facebook enrollee had a tweet sent out on their behalf.

This allowed them to reach everybody who has the ability to interact with another person in any capacity. Some babies born in third world rice fields are now enrolled.

Since the post-modern Obama is constantly gazing into the future, he decided to cover people not born yet. To avoid the abortion debate, he exempted current fetuses and decided to focus on women who were not yet pregnant but were thinking about having children.

Obamacare - 6 billions served
Obamacare – 6 billions served

Despite his plea to declare that Obamacare had “billions and billions served,” like the red-nosed clown than lives under the golden-arches, aides pointed out to him that only seven billion people lived on earth.

Some people went to McDonalds more than once so people could enroll for healthcare more than once. After all, people purchase life insurance on average seven times in their lifetime. Therefore, if one person went on the eventually working Obamacare website and enrolled twenty times, they would count as twenty enrollees. Such counting methods are how Obama supporters like ACORN collect and count votes.

Cutting and pasting this practice to healthcare would require only an Excel spreadsheet and real-sounding names like John Q. Public and Mickey M. Mouse.

While six billion enrollees may seem like Obama is cooking the books, another theory is that most of his numbers are fictional to begin with. Whether six million, six billion or six trillion, the only thing the public knows is that exactly six people signed up for Obamacare on the first day.

Somewhere between six people and six trillion people is the truth.

One does not have to be celebrating April Fool’s Day to know when a president is pulling the leg of the American people.

One could say that the real April Fool is the president who had six years to come up with a plan and still could not figure out how to give more of something to more people while having it cost less. The answer is by using imaginary numbers, which does not have anything to do with thirty-sixteen, forty-twelve, or 6i (for math geeks everywhere).

Sadly, the most foolish of the April Fools were those who celebrated this holiday on the first Tuesday in November of 2008 and 2012. Those November Fools are why a government can claim six million enrollees to a healthcare plan while discounting millions more who have lost their coverage.

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