Perfect Christmas Gifts 2015: The Hillary Nutcracker

Perfect Christmas Gifts 2015: The Hillary Nutcracker

It’s crunch time in America, Democrats, and this colorful 2016 Hillary Clinton Nutcracker is the perfect Christmas gift for that psycho-feminist in your family.

The perfect Christmas gift. (Imagery via and elsewhere)

WASHINGTON, Oct. 28, 2015 – As all those relentless product hawkers on TV have been pitching to you since August, it’s never too early to spend what’s left of your flat-since-Y2K salary on caring and thoughtful gifts for every cherished member of your family.

That’s why this very special and very timely 2015 pre-holiday shopping list will highlight what we think are the top 10 very best gifts you’ll want to consider adding to this year’s Christmas list.

Hint: Do it now, just to make absolutely certain you can reserve the special gifts you need to buy before they run out, which they’re certain to do very soon.

Episode #1: The Hillary Nutcracker, 2016 Presidential Edition.

Nutcracker Hill is the perfect Christmas gift for that hard-to-please psycho-feminist mom or daughter in your house. You know, the one who predictably delights in giving coronaries to your Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner guests every year by hurling forth a nonstop barrage of sweeping, proof-free generalizations, time-worn clichés and hate-filled, vulgar denunciations condemning anyone or anything on this planet that might be secretly harboring a Y-chromosome in his, her or its genetic code.

More broad-minded gifters might want to consider picking up Corkscrew Bill, too. Guaranteed to help the recipient avoid Pinot envy. (Commercial imagery from various sources)
More broad-minded gifters might want to consider picking up Corkscrew Bill, too. Guaranteed to help the recipient avoid Pinot envy. (Commercial imagery from various sources)

You won’t believe the quality of this holiday gift masterpiece. Soon to be a collector’s item, this plastic and steel beauty displays our feisty and astoundingly brilliant Hillary at her very best. Better yet, this lifelike 2016 Coronation election edition also subtly reveals the all-new, pretty-in-pink, kinder and gentler Hillary Version 5.0 her campaign managers want you to see.

Even better news: Hillary’s flattering, proportion-concealing designer pantsuit in this edition conceals the stunning ability of HRH’s powerful thighs, fully capable of cracking any kind of nuts the happy recipient might care to send her way. Walnuts, Brazil nuts, almonds or even that obnoxious dude across the street. Hey, what difference does it make? No muss, no fuss. Nutcracker Hill can bust them all.

Like the commercial says, “Let the former First Lady (and part-time Secretary of State) handle all the nuts in the White House—or at least your house!”

We’d guess that would even include busting Slick Willie himself.

End the Republican War on Women and obliterate those evil Koch brothers for once and for all! Buy the all-new 2016 edition of the world-famous Hillary Nutcracker. TODAY!

As probably not seen on TV. Available at novelty stores everywhere and online at Where else? Huma Abedin dolls sold separately.

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Terry Ponick
Biographical Note: Dateline Award-winning music and theater critic for The Connection Newspapers and the Reston-Fairfax Times, Terry was the music critic for the Washington Times print edition (1994-2010) and online Communities (2010-2014). Since 2014, he has been the Business and Entertainment Editor for Communities Digital News (CDN). A former stockbroker and a writer and editor with many interests, he served as editor under contract from the White House Office of Science and Technology Policy (OSTP) and continues to write on science and business topics. He is a graduate of Georgetown University (BA, MA) and the University of South Carolina where he was awarded a Ph.D. in English and American Literature and co-founded one of the earliest Writing Labs in the country. Twitter: @terryp17